What If
by ForeverSam
Summary: Ichigo spent eight years wondering what if. What would happen if one of his 'what ifs' came true? - IR - What Happened Last Night and Worth the Risk Sequel -
1. Another Day

Argh! I said I wouldn't put it up for a week...I swore I wouldn't...but I just...couldn't...resist...I hate me!

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**Title:**What If 

**Rating**: T

**Summary:**Ichigo spent eight years wondering what if. What would happen if one of his 'what ifs' came true?

**Author's Note** – For those of you who don't hate me for the end of "Worth the Risk," hello! For those of you who do hate me, I'm pretty sure you won't hate me after this. Well, I hope you won't anyway. You might. That's up to you though. Anyways, I'll stop babbling. Story notes:

**Note 1** – This story takes place 8 years after the last chapter of WTR, but five years after the Epilogue. Does that make sense? In other words, Kaien is 8 now, Ichigo is 28, and so on. Okay?

Hmn, actually, that's it. Okay, on with the story

**Disclaimer** – I do not own Bleach. I just own this story idea, and little Kaien Kurosaki. Oh, and good news: Yukio isn't in this one!

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**What If**

_By: ForeverSam_

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"_Dad, why don't I have a mom?"_

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**Chapter 1** – Another Day 

_He could still save her...there was still time...he had to go back, he had to find her, she was there, she was alive, he knew she was-_

"Dad?" Ichigo Kurosaki snapped out of his day-dream and looked around at his son, who was standing next to the chair Ichigo was sitting in.

"Yeah, what's up kid?" He said, trying to sound nonchalant, He grabbed the glass sitting on the table next to him to take a sip of water.

"Where do babies come from?" And Ichigo, in the middle of taking a sip, choked and looked down at the boy standing in front of him. Eight-year-old Kaien Kurosaki waited patiently for his dad to answer, his violet eyes shining with curiosity..

"A-Ask Aunt Orihime." Ichigo stuttered, unbelieving. Why the hell did Kaien want to know this _now_? Ichigo hadn't asked about babies until he was at least twelve (and it had led to the most traumatizing conversation of his life).

"I did."

"And?"

"She told me to ask you."

_Thanks a lot Orihime, _Ichigo grumbled silently as he stared into Kaien's vividly violet eyes, which were shining with an innocent curiosity only a young child could manage. "So? Where do babies come from?"

"Um...I'll tell you when you're older." Ichigo finally settled for saying that. He knew Kaien wouldn't like that answer.

"But _why_?"

"You're too young." It was an old answer, and Ichigo knew Kaien, being the head-strong child he was, would never accept it.

"I'm_ eight_!"

"Don't you have homework?" Ichigo finally managed to say, though in a meek voice. Kaien scowled and whirled around; he walked away fuming. You could practically see the storm cloud above his head. Ichigo sighed as he fell back on the couch. Crisis averted.

These were the times he _really _missed Rukia.

Not that she would have handled it any better than Ichigo. But at least Kaien wouldn't have stormed away fuming. Rukia had a way of saying no to a person so that it wouldn't hurt their feelings (unless, of course, the person was Ichigo).

It had been eight years since the nightmare in the Soul Society. Ichigo never told Kaien that his mother had died trying to save him. He was too much like Rukia, and not just in looks. He would have taken it personally. And Ichigo didn't want his son thinking that it was his fault his mother had gone away. Kaien would never be able to live with himself.

Ichigo's eyes wandered to a framed photo on the table next to the couch. It was of Ichigo and Rukia right after they started going out. Both looked so happy it was unreal. That was a lost time, a time of happiness that no longer existed. The moments with Rukia were like something out of another person's life.

Ichigo clenched and unclenched his fists. He wanted everything to be like that again. He wanted Rukia alive and happy, wanted her there to hit and insult him. He wanted things as _normal _as they could possible be. He wanted Rukia back.

As quickly as Ichigo's temper flared, though, it died. He kept reminding himself, every day, that Rukia wouldn't want him to be upset, that if she ever saw him grieving, she'd turn around and beat him until he begged for mercy.. She would have wanted him to keep living, no matter what, to raise their son and keep him safe.

And for eight years, that was what Ichigo had done. Kaien was as danger prone as his mother (and father), and had kept Ichigo busy over the years. From his first steps to the "I'll eat everything I can get my hands on" phase, little Kaien had given Ichigo a real run for his money. It was ironic, he supposed. One of the strongest Soul Reapers ever, bested by a eight-month-old eating a sock. Fate worked in _really strange _ways.

"Dad?" Kaien was back. Ichigo wasn't sure he wanted to know what his son was here to ask _this _time. It couldn't be anything good though. Kaien – again, so much like his mother – questioned every little thing in the world, good or bad. Though normally it was bad.

"Yeah?"

"How come I don't have a mom?"

_Wham. _Ichigo felt as if all the air had been knocked out of him. "Emiko and Souken both have a mom." He went on, referring to his two best friends. "Why don't I have a mom?"

Ichigo tried to figure out the best way to answer that. "Well, not everyone has an Aunt Orihime like you do." He finally settled for saying, hoping this would satisfy Kaien, knowing that he was an exception. "You're lucky."

"I love Aunt Orihime," Kaien admitted, looking a little guilty. "But I want a mom. Dad, why don't I have a mom?"

Ichigo could practically _feel _his heart breaking. "Kaien, we've been over this before-"

"Did Mom love me? Did she leave because she didn't love me?" Dammit. How do you explain to an eight-year-old that his mother died trying to keep him safe, keep him alive? Ichigo had hoped he never had to do this.

"Kaien," Ichigo finally said, not even really sure where he was going. He just knew he had to say something. "Your mother loved you more than anything in the world, I swear. She would have done _anything _for you. She even left. All for you."

"Will she ever come back?"

Ichigo's heart clenched, and he had to struggle not to let tears build in his eyes as he said, "No. She's gone to a place she can't come back from."

Kaien obviously didn't like that answer. "But _why_? Why can't she come back? Is it because she doesn't want to? Does she not want to? Or is it something else?"

Ichigo sighed. Kaien had always asked about his mother, this was really no different then all the other times. So then why was it so much harder?

"Kaien, I've told you before. She's...she's dead, Kaien."

"But_ why_?"

Ichigo bit his lip. "Kaien...please just go do your homework."

Kaien left, looking upset. Ichigo leaned back in his seat, running a hand through his hair, still as wild and orange as it had been in his teenage days. And he tried to remember what had happened the first time Kaien had asked about his mother.

_**-:-:-:-:-Flashback – Four Years Earlier-:-:-:-:-**_

"_Daddy?"_

_Ichigo looked over at Kaien, who was standing in the door to the kitchen. He had been playing in his room up until a minute ago._

"_Yeah, Kai, what is it?"_

"_Today at school, the teacher had us make cards." Kaien revealed a card from behind his back, holding it up to show Ichigo. "She said they're for Mother's Day. And when I asked what that was, one of the boys laughed at me and called me stupid. I told him I don't know what Mother's day is because I don't have a mom, and he laughed at me, and asked why I don't have a mom. And when he asked why, I told him I didn't know, and he laughed again."_

"_Where was the teacher when this was happening?" Ichigo asked suspiciously. It seemed weird that the teacher would just turn a deaf ear on taunting like that._

"_He got in trouble." Kaien assured his father. "But it's just that it happened. He wanted to know why I don't have a mom, and I told him I don't know. But I want to know. Please, tell me Daddy; why don't I have a mom?"_

_Ichigo gulped, and made a mental note to find out which kid was making fun of his son, and have a word with the kid's parents. He hadn't wanted to have to explain this to Kaien until he was older. A _lot_older._

"_Kaien." He said finally. "This is hard to explain, so stop me the second you're confused. Okay?" Kaien nodded. "You know how you can see people that no one else can see?" He nodded again. "Those people are spirits. They're people who died-"_

"_What-"_

"_When you die." Ichigo predicted his son's question. "It means you're soul goes somewhere it can't come back from. All those people you see that no one else does, they're the souls of people who have died."_

"_So Mommy-"_

"_Yeah." Ichigo clenched his fist angrily. "Yeah, Mommy died. Her soul went to a place it can't come back from."_

"_But...how did Mommy die? Why can't she come back?"_

_Ichigo sighed wearily. "She can't come back. When a person's soul goes away, it's impossible for it to come back."_

_"Oh. Okay. So how did Mommy die?"_

_Ichigo didn't know what to say to that. He wasn't going to tell Kaien that Rukia had died trying to save him. It would destroy the small boy._

"_I'll tell you when you're older."_

_**-:-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

Yeah. Ichigo hadn't handled it any better then than he was handling it now. Four years hadn't taught Ichigo anything.

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"Dad?" Ichigo looked around, his hand on the doorknob. 

"Yeah Kaien, what's up?"

"Will you tell me a story?"

"Kaien, it's already half an hour past your bedtime."

"Please? Tell me more about Mom." Oh boy. The violet puppy eyes. Ichigo was a sucker for the violet puppy eyes. They were just too damn much like Rukia's. And Ichigo had_ always_ been a sucker for Rukia.

"Kaien..."

"_Pleeeease_?"

"All right, all right." Sighing in defeat, Ichigo walked back over to the bed and sat down. "What do you want to know this time?"

Kaien grinned as he bolted up in bed, "I dunno, tell me anything!"

Kaien knew quite a bit about his mother, as well as about Soul Reapers and every other spiritual thing there was. He had been able to see spirits basically since he was born, and he'd been asking questions basically since he could talk. And Ichigo, having the answers, had filled in the blanks, though he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do; Kaien was just too much like his parents, the chances of him getting into trouble were high. "You said Mom used to hurt you a lot." Kaien bounced up and down in his bed. "Did Mom really used to hurt you? What did she do?"

Ichigo rubbed his head, remembering. "She hit me. A lot. Whenever I annoyed her. Which was basically all the time."

"Did you and Mom love each other?"

Ichigo looked down at his hands. "Yeah. We loved each other. More than anything. She was the first person I ever loved. She was the only person I'll ever love."

"Good." Kaien smiled as he reached out and wrapped his arms around his father's waist, pulling him into a hug. "I don't want you to ever love anyone other than Mom."

Ichigo sighed as he rested a hand on his son's spiky black hair. "You and Mom are the only people I'll ever love. I promise"

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**Author's Note – **Hmn...Ichigo's life without Rukia seems very sad and depressing, doesn't it? Huh. Anyways, next chapter we'll get some Soul Society input. That should be pretty interesting, huh? Well, please review. If you don't think it's good enough, I'll take it down (though I might anyway) – Sam 


	2. Reasons

**Disclaimer** – Don't...own...'Bleach'...

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"_Why are they looking at me like that?"_

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**Chapter 2 –** Reasons 

"But_why_?"

Renji had to physically restrain himself from strangling the girl next to him. She was driving him _insane. _She was, if it was humanly possible, even _more _annoying then she once had been. And she had demonstrated it very well.

"Because it makes the spell more powerful."

"But _why_?"

"I don't know!" Renji exploded, "I don't freakin' know, why do you have to ask so many damn questions?!"

"Renji."

Busted. Renji whirled around. Byakuya Kuchiki was watching Renji with just a hint of anger. "S-Sorry Captain." he muttered, turning back to Rukia Kuchiki, who was watching him with her hands on her hips, a small smirk forming over her face. She loved seeing Renji get into trouble. "All right...let's try again."

Whoever came up with the idea for Renji Abarai to work with Rukia Kuchiki was just a few inches short of a Zanpakatou. "_Why _do we have to say the spell?"

"You know what, no more Kidou." Renji was ready to rip someone's head off, and again he had to remind himself that it was all for the better.

Rukia smirked as her hands dropped to her sides and she followed Renji out of the training room, bowing respectively to her brother as she passed him. Renji noticed, though, that her smirk faded as they got outside. "Renji?"

"What's up?"

She didn't answer right away. Her eyes skimmed the sixth division as they walked. Renji began to feel bad. "Hey. Rukia?"

"What?" she looked around, startled, "Oh, you know, I just...wanted to tell you about a dream I had last night."

Renji nodded, encouraging her to go on. "There were these people there...one of them was a girl, she had really long hair, kind of orangey. And there was...that boy, the one with the spiky orange hair. Renji, who _is _he?"

Renji bit his lip, but didn't answer. Rukia wasn't the kind of person that people usually felt bad for, but at that moment, Renji _did_ feel bad. Day in and day out she walked around, blindly accepting the information people gave her...

"Renji?" The Soul Reaper in question sighed. He was under strict orders not to tell Rukia anymore than what the Soul Society thought she needed to know. And in their eyes, she didn't need to know about Ichigo Kurosaki. And while that sort of pleased Renji, to a point, it also aggravated the hell out of him. A lot. This was a person's life they were messing with, after all. Who were they to pass judgment calls about it? And Ichigo...no one had thought about Ichigo, and what this was doing to him. "Hey, Renji, hello?" He'd stopped walking, and now she was standing on her tip-toes, knocking him on the head with her knuckles.

"Ow, quit it." He slapped her hand away, "Look, Rukia...I don't know what to say to you, all right? I don't know what to say to make everything better. To be honest, I don't think there's anything I _can _say to make this easier on you. I don't think there is. Just that everything will come back to you. I'm sure it will."

"It hasn't yet." The raven-haired woman muttered, crossing her arms over her chest. "If it hasn't yet, how can you be so sure it ever will? What makes you so certain that things will ever get better, what makes you think you know everything?"

Renji sighed deeply. "Look, I don't think I know everything, Rukia. Really I don't. But I just have a good feeling about this, that's all."

If only _she_ could look as sure as _he_ sounded.. Renji wished he had pockets to shove his hands into. He_ hated _seeing Rukia this way. It was driving him insane. But what could he do? She was beyond his help. She was beyond anyone's help except her own. But unfortunately...it was help she couldn't even give herself.

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"Hey Kai, you wanna come over?" Kaien looked over at his friend, seven-year-old Souken Ishida. "My mom made cookies last night," Souken went on. Kaien grimaced. 

"Er...what's in them?" He asked, not overly sure he wanted to know the answer. Souken's mom – Kaien's Aunt Orihime – had a habit of cooking...well, for lack of a better word, _strange_ foods.

"I dunno," Souken said with a frown, "I think she put gingerbread batter in the mix though. They're ginger cookies. And raisins. Ginger and raisin cookies. I think"

Kaien blinked and swallowed. "Um...I'll pass, Souken. Thanks though."

Souken shrugged. "Your choice. So what, you just gonna go home?"

"Yeah," Kaien nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. "I wanna talk to my dad anyway, so it's better."

"What do you wanna talk about?" Souken asked. Then he lowered his voice to a whisper and said, "Are you gonna ask about your mom again?"

Kaien nodded seriously. "I was looking at my parents' old photo albums last night." Souken said in his regular voice. "I found pictures of your mom standing together my mom. Your mom was really pretty, Kaien."

Kaien frowned and kicked at a rock on the ground. "Yeah. She was. Dad never talks about her though. Well, almost never. When he _does _talk about her, he seems really sad. But I don't get it. Why is he so sad? If he loved her, wouldn't he _like _talking about her? It's confusing."

Souken shrugged. "I dunno, Kai. Adults are weird. Maybe he misses her. I think my dad would miss my mom if she ever went away"

"He wouldn't miss her cooking." Kaien grinned as he shoved Souken kiddingly. They were approaching the Kurosaki house. "I'll see you later." Kaien said as he turned up the walkway, waving over his shoulder to Souken.

"By Kai!" Souken called after his friend as he continued down the street to the Ishida house. Kaien opened the door and stepped into the house, calling,

"Dad? I'm home!"

There was the sound of a book hurriedly snapping shut, then Ichigo yelled, "Hey Kaien. Have a good day at school?"

"Yeah." Kaien walked into the living room just as his dad was shoving something behind one of the throw pillows. Kaien knew exactly what it was. "Dad? Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." Ichigo said in a casual voice. "What's up kid?"

"I wanna talk about Mom," the color drained from Ichigo's face. Why, Kaien wondered, did his father always get so upset when Kaien wanted to talk about his mother? Why couldn't Kaien ask questions? Was so wrong with the fact he wanted to know about her?

"What's with wanting to know so much about your mother lately, buddy?" Kaien's father finally asked, trying to keep his voice steady. "You've been asking a lot of questions lately."

"You don't like talking about her." Kaien pushed, knowing full-well he was going to make his father upset. "You tell me stories, but you always seem so sad. Why are you always sad when I want to talk about Mom?"

Ichigo sighed. "Kaien, come here." Kaien sat down on the couch next to his father. Ichigo was looking at his hands, which were resting in his lap. "Kaien, I loved your mother. A lot. I never wanted her to leave. And when she did...it hurt. It hurt a lot. And when I think about her, I think about the way she left me...and it really hurts. It's not that I don't like talking about her. I love telling you everything there is to know about her. But it just hurts, Kaien. Do you get that?"

Kaien thought about it for a minute. Yeah, he kind of got it. He got the fact that his mother hadn't meant to leave him and his father. And he got that the way she left hurt his father. But he didn't get how it hurt to think about her, and how Ichigo still loved it. Kaien still didn't get a lot. But he didn't want to say anything else. The look in his father's eyes was unbearable. So the young boy simply nodded and said, "Yeah. I get it," in a small voice before standing up and grabbing his bag. "I'm going to go do my homework."

And he left without another word.

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Ichigo watched his son walk away. He knew he had just confused the boy even more. But he hadn't been able to think of anything to say. Kaien had wanted a lot of answers, answers Ichigo didn't have. What was he supposed to say? 

Sighing, Ichigo slipped the photo album back out from behind the pillow he had shoved it behind when Kaien came in. And he started flipping through it again.

After Rukia had died, Ichigo had gone through every photo his friends and family had, and had taken just about every picture that had Rukia in it. And he had made an album that was strictly of Rukia. There wasn't a picture in that book that didn't have her in it.

Ichigo smiled, just a little, as he looked over the pictures. He knew he was being just a little obsessive. But he couldn't help it. Sometimes he felt like he just _had_to see Rukia. Even if it was just a frozen moment in time. Even if he knew the picture could never come to life, never bring Rukia back. Just a frozen image of her face was enough to make Ichigo happy sometimes.

Ichigo turned the page, and his eyes fell on a picture. This was a special picture. It was the only one of Rukia and Kaien together. It was from right after Kaien was born. Yuzu had insisted on taking it. Rukia had tried to protest, but of course, no one could say no to Yuzu Kurosaki.

Ichigo looked at the picture, remembering the day Kaien had been born. Remembering how terrified he had been when he had noticed that Rukia wasn't breathing. Remembering how scared he had been that Rukia was going to die.

"Did you enjoy giving me heart attacks?" Ichigo asked the picture kiddingly. "Did you enjoy terrifying the hell out of me? Because you did a good job at it, Rukia."

He was so lost in thought he didn't notice Kaien, sitting on the stairs, listening to every word his father said.

* * *

"_Lieutenant Abarai! Lieutenant Abarai, come quick!" Renji looked around and saw a Twelfth Squad Soul Reaper running towards him. "Come here, quick, we've found – just come here!"_

_Bewildered, Renji followed the Soul Reaper through the rubble of the Twelfth Division. And what Renji saw nearly made his heart stop._

"_Oh God..."_

"Earth. To. Renji!" Renji jumped a mile as a certain midget yelled in his ear. He looked around and glared at Rukia.

"_What_?"

"For the _fifth time_," Rukia said in an aggravated tone, "I _said_ what are you doing here? I thought you had paperwork to do?"

Renji shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. "I finished."

"You're lying."

"So?"

Rukia rolled her eyes. "Renji, just curious, do you actually _have_ a home? Because you always seem to be here."

Renji bit his tongue until it bled and said, in an annoyed voice, "Yes, Rukia. I have a home. You know perfectly well I'm always here because I have to help you."

"Take me." Renji blinked, considering the many ways he could interpret this sentence. After a moment he said,

"Er...what?"

"You have a home?" she asked him. "Prove it. I wanna see your house."

Renji grimaced. Byakuya had made it perfectly clear that Rukia _was not_ allowed to leave the grounds of the Kuchiki house, unless she was going to the sixth division. And yet he couldn't say no to Rukia. She'd have hurt him. A lot. And Renji liked being in once piece.

"Hey!" And a second later, his foot was crushed. He jumped around for a good five minutes, yelling and howling in pain. Rukia watched, smirking in a satisfied way. "Well?" She asked, folding her arms. "Are we going or not?"

"If I get in trouble, it's your head." Renji said threateningly through gritted teeth as they left the grounds. He knew Byakuya Kuchiki would kill him for taking his sister away. But in all honesty, it was either be killed by Byakuya or killed by Rukia. At least if Byakuya killed Renji, he'd have a little more time to write up a will.

Rukia followed Renji, looking around curiously. She had not been out of the Kuchiki mansion in five years. This must have been a real treat for her. It didn't escape her notice though, that many passers-by gave her strange looks. "Why are they looking at me like that?" She asked finally, trying and failing to keep the aggravation out of her voice. Renji considered the best way to answer that question, and finally said,

"You're...well-known."

Rukia looked at him in surprise. "I am? For what?"

Of_ course_ she wanted to know why. For her to not wonder would have made life too easy for Renji. But what could he say? How could he tell her she was well known because she had once given her Soul Reaper powers (which, by the way, she didn't know she _had_) to a human, then had almost been executed, then she was _rescued_ by said human, _then_ she fell in love with the _same_ human, and they'd had a baby, and the baby had been taken by the Soul Society, and she and the human had tried to save the baby, and she had almost died?

Renji could barely think about. "Ren_ji_!" Rukia said in an aggravated voice. "I _hate_ it when you do that! Stop spacing out every time I ask a question!"

Renji sighed. _He _hated it when she asked so many damn questions. And she did it quite often. "Because you're a Kuchiki." He said, "And Kuchikis are well-known. All right?" They turned down a street and came to a halt outside a small house. "Here."

Rukia looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "Here what?"

"_Here_," he said, gesturing to the house, "Is where I _live_. Idiot"

Surprisingly enough, she ignored that last comment, but continued to look the house over with a critical eye. Renji made a face. "What? I know it's not as big or show-offy as the Kuchiki mansion, but I'm not rich, so-"

"It's nice," her words surprised him. "Small, comfortable...it's a nice place. I don't like the Kuchiki mansion that much. It's too big. I can't find my way around the mansion sometimes. I spend half my time trying to find my way back to my room."

"I...didn't know that." Renji said after a minute of awkward silence. She had always seemed so comfortable in the house.

"Don't tell Brother." Rukia said in a firm voice,."He won't let me walk around alone if he knows"

She was right about that. If Byakuya had even the slightest little inkling that something was wrong with his sister, he would never allow her to continue wandering alone. And Rukia liked her freedom. "Your secret is safe with me." Renji said, pulling a key out of his pocket. "You want to go inside?"

She nodded, and Renji led her into the small house. He couldn't remember a time when he had ever felt so self-conscious. Rukia had never been in his house before. "You, ah...want something to drink?" He asked after a minute. Rukia shook her head though. She was looking thoughtfully around the small living room.

"No, that's okay. Thanks though."

Awkward silence. Renji looked around, and the thought that Rukia had never before been in his house crossed his mind again. Renji loved Rukia. It was no secret. And to have her here, in his house...Renji gulped. He couldn't take it. He'd wanted Rukia for so long, too long...and now he had a chance. She would never know whether or not it was right or wrong, would she?

Renji's morals took over though. And his sense of wanting to live. If Ichigo ever found out Rukia was alive, and Renji took advantage of her...Renji would be dead. And besides...he could never be with Rukia in that way, unless she was absolutely sure that was what she wanted. And the way the situation was now...she would never be completely sure.

Renji's shoulders fell as if all the air had been left out of him. Why was it things could never work out for_ him_? "Renji?" The crimson-haired man in questioned looked around. Rukia had picked up a picture off the coffee table and was staring at it avidly. Renji knew what it was. It was a picture of the two of them right after they had entered the Soul Reaper Academy.

"Yeah? What is it, Rukia?"

The words she said next tore him apart inside. "Who am I?"

* * *

_Ding-Dong_

Ichigo opened the door. And he blinked. He was facing His father, Yuzu, Karin, Orihime (who was holding her son's hand), Chad, and Uryu. "Er..." Ichigo said, unsure of what to make of the situation, "What's going on?"

"You," Yuzu said in a firm voice, "are going out for a night on the town"

"I...am?" Ichigo asked, surprised. When had that happened?

"Dad?" Kaien came downstairs. "What's going on?"

"Good news kid!" Isshin said before Ichigo could speak, "Your aunts Yuzu and Karin, and I are babysitting you and Souken tonight!"

Kaien didn't look overly thrilled by this idea. "Why? What's Dad going to be doing?"

"He'll be going out with his friends!" Kaien didn't look pleased at all.

"Why does he have to go out?"

Ichigo didn't like the idea too much himself. "Hang on you guys, I never said-"

"Ichigo you haven't been out for a night on your own in eight years." Karin said, "You need to get out once in awhile, on your own. You can't spend every night at home with Kaien."

"Dad likes staying home with me." Kaien said defensively. He looked over at his father uncertainly. "D-Don't you, Dad?"

"Of course I do," Ichigo said, glaring at his sister. "I don't need a night on the town, I like staying home with my son."

"I'm not saying staying home is a bad thing." Karin said smoothly. "I'm just saying, Ichigo needs to get out more. All right?"

"And besides," Orihime spoke up, "Souken will be hanging around as well. You two can hang out. And I brought some cookies!"

Souken held up a plate of cookies. Ichigo saw Kaien pale a little. "A-All right." The boy said finally. "If Dad wants to go out...he can."

Everyone gave Ichigo a look a triumph. And an hour later Ichigo was being dragged through down-town Karakura Town. He was with Orihime, Chad, and Uryu. They weren't going anywhere in particular. They were just getting Ichigo out of the house for a little while.

"When was the last time you were out of the house anyways, Kurosaki?" Uryu asked as they walked. Ichigo glared at the Quincy.

"What does it matter?"

"You need to have more of a life." Orihime said pleasantly. "Get out more often, that's what babysitters are for!"

"Kaien doesn't like babysitters." Ichigo muttered. "He hates being left alone with someone else, even if it's someone he knows."

"That's because you let him get to close to you." Uryu said over his shoulder. "You two spent too much time together when he was little. He got too clingy. You saw the way he acted tonight when you even gave the idea of going out."

Ichigo scowled. He didn't need parenting tips from Uryu Ishida. Even if Uryu was right. Ichigo knew he had let Kaien become too used to having his father around. That was why Kaien hated to be away from Ichigo. But after what had happened with Rukia...Ichigo didn't want to lose anyone else.

* * *

**Author's Note** –OKAY! She's alive! Happy now? Stop sending me death threats and guilt trips, _Rukia isn't dead_! Anyways, next chapter goes a little more in depth to what's up with her (though you may have already guessed), so hold on until then. And review, please!- Sam 


	3. What Happened Before

**Author's Note –** This chapter is probably going to be mostly flashback. But you're going to find out what happened with Rukia and why she's still alive. So don't complain.

**Disclaimer –** Nope...Nope...don't own it

* * *

"_Who's the orange-haired boy?"_

* * *

**Chapter 3**- What Happened Before 

"Nice," Renji called, as the target Rukia had been aiming for exploded, "Very good, Rukia, that was great!"

He felt like he was patronizing her. And apparently she thought so too because she said, "Very funny Renji"

"I was being honest," he said in an annoyed voice, "Don't you know how to take a compliment for heaven's sake?"

She scowled at him. "Whatever. Can we take a break?"

"Tired?" she looked absolutely drained.

"No. Just want to take a break"

Renji rolled his eyes. "Yeah. All right. Go take a break. Stubborn"

She glared at him and left without another word. Renji watched her leave. And he couldn't help but feel just a little put off. All he could think was, _if things had gone differently...she might not even be here right now._

_**-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-**_

_Renji stared at the rubble that remained of the twelfth division. He was still trying to hold onto Ichigo, who was struggling to go back. "Ichigo! Ichigo, you idiot, stop!"_

_And finally, Ichigo's body went limp. He was still breathing hard though, and Renji could tell he wanted to go back. "S'too late," he muttered, his hands shaking, "S'too late, isn't it? She's really dead...isn't she?"_

_Renji hated hearing Ichigo so broken. And for what? For _what_? Because the Soul Society had interfered in the lives of people they should have just left alone. Rukia had died...for nothing. "I'm sorry," Renji muttered under his breath. And without warning, Ichigo whirled around and punched the crimson-haired Soul Reaper as hard as he could across the face. Renji slammed into the ground, his head pounding._

"_You're _sorry_?!" the orange-haired man yelled. Several Soul Reapers darted forward, intent on restraining Ichigo._

"_Leave him alone," Renji muttered, standing up. "I deserved that. Just leave him be."_

_The two Soul Reapers stared each other down. Ichigo's sharp amber eyes were filled with furry and hate and pain. Renji was careful to keep his face blank. Finally Ichigo said, through gritted teeth. "Stay away from me. Stay away from my son. All of you. If any of you ever come near us again, I _will _kill you. Understand?"_

_**-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-**_

Words spat out of grief and pain and anger. But there was doubt in Renji's mind that the words were true. Ichigo had been beside himself, but he had also been furious. He knew, as did Renji, that if the Soul Society had never interfered, what had happened never would have happened. Renji didn't blame Ichigo for hating them. He kind of hated himself.

Renji ran a hand through his crimson hair and started outside. Rukia had been gone awhile. He had to make sure she hadn't collapsed. Again.

He found leaning against the wall near the door, her eyes closed. "Hey," he said in as gentle of a voice as he could manage. He had learned not to startle her when she was tired. Of course, he had learned it the hard way.

"Mm," she muttered under her breath. "What do you want?"

Renji bristled at that. Some things, he had learned, _never_ changed. "I was just making sure you're okay," he said in an annoyed tone. Sometimes he found it was better to treat the way he normally would, then treat her differently. He had a feeling she appreciated it.

"Why wouldn't I be?" apparently her short-term memory issues were kicking in again. Either that, or just she didn't want to admit that she had actually collapsed just a few weeks ago. That was always possible as well.

"Never-mind," Renji said finally, running a hand through his hair again. He was trying to stay calm. It wasn't working. "You ready to start again?"

"Why do I have to say the spell?" Rukia asked as she followed Renji inside. Renji slapped his forehead. Hard. "Wow. Your head sounds hollow"

"Shut the hell up"

_**-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-**_

_Renji was in charge of over-seeing the clean up and rebuilding of the twelfth division. His punishment, he was informed, for helping Ichigo and Rukia. If it had been anyone but Byakuya Kuchiki delivering the orders, Renji probably would have punched him out._

"_What a mess," Renji looked around. Only one person would be speaking so calmly, considering the situation._

"_Hey Nemu. What's up?"_

"_My captain told me to assist," Nemu Kurotshuchi said. She was watching the Soul Reapers from her division run around, trying to clear out the debris._

"_Yeah. What's old Kurotshuchi up to anyway?" No one had seen the creepy Twelfth Division captain since his labs had exploded._

"_I think he's crying over losing his lab experiment," Renji smirked. Nemu had a weird since of humor. But she was good for talking to. And the image of Kurotshuchi crying was a funny one._

_It had been a day. Renji had just returned from informing Ichigo (who had been less than pleased to see Renji; his first instinct – punch Renji as hard as he could in the nose – had taken over), that the Soul Society had agreed to leave him and Kaien alone. Ichigo had appreciated that, but only a little. His response was, "Too late to save Rukia, don't you think?"_

_And Renji knew it would be awhile before Ichigo would forgive anyone in the Soul Society. Renji didn't blame him. "You must be thinking deep thoughts," Nemu said. Renji looked around in surprise._

"_What makes you say that?"_

"_Because I just asked you three times how your visit to the living world was," Nemu explained. Renji blushed a little._

"_Oh. It was...well, it was exactly what I expected it to be. Ichigo pretty much hates anything and everything connected to the Soul Society. I don't blame him," Renji looked back at the destroyed building. "I kind of hate us too"_

"_What happened to Rukia Kuchiki was unfortunate," Nemu admitted, "I'm not sure _I_ blame him for acting the way he is either. Does he understand, at least, that we regret it?"_

"_Understand? No. He doesn't understand. But he knows," Renji shook his head. "He's heart broken though. He...He loved her," the words rolled off his tongue, tasting just a little bitter. "I don't blame him for being mad. But he knows we regret it. He just doesn't care"_

_Nemu nodded. There wasn't really much a person could say to that. The two lieutenants stood in silence for a minute, each lost in his or her own thoughts. But they were both thinking the same thing._

"_Lieutenant Abarai! Lieutenant Abarai, come quick!" Renji looked around and saw a Twelfth Squad Soul Reaper running towards him. "Come here, quick, we've found – just come here!"_

_Bewildered, Renji followed the Soul Reaper through the rubble of the Twelfth Division. And what Renji saw nearly made his heart stop._

"_Oh God..."_

_It was Rukia. Her body was battered and bloody. But it was moving. She was breathing. Barely, but she was breathing._ She was alive

_**-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-**_

"...Pale fire _crash_!" Renji snapped out of his thoughts as the target he was standing next to exploded. He jumped away, his eyes wide.

"What the _hell_, Rukia?!" he shouted, "How about a little warning next time?! You could have hit me, you know!"

"That was the point," Rukia said with a smirk, resting her hands on her hips. "Guess my aim is a little off today"

Renji held back a few choice swears as he brushed a few pieces of debris from his red spikes. He would have strangled the damn midget if it wasn't for the fact she was Byakuya Kuchiki's little sister. "All right, all right. You have my attention. What do you want?"

"I want to know why you always look at me like I'm some kind of freak, actually," Rukia said in a thoughtful voice, "But I'll settle for knowing what you were thinking about just now"

Damn. "Nothing important"

"Nothing you think or say is important. I want to know anyway"

Renji ran another hand through his hair. Sometimes it was too damn infuriating, working with Rukia. But he knew he had to. "Nothing. Honest. I just got bored watching you and I spaced out. What do you expect?"

She didn't look at all pleased at that. But she didn't kick him, or yell at him, or do anything at all, surprisingly. "You gonna keep working or not?" Renji said finally. Rukia shrugged and turned away from him.

_**-:-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

_Renji leaned back against the wall. His heart was pounding, his head spinning. Everything just seemed so surreal._

_Next to him was Byakuya Kuchiki. To the naked eye, the noble man's position hadn't changed at all. But Renji could tell even _he_ was a little surprised and shaken that his sister had been found, battered and beaten, but alive._

_They were at the Fourth Division. Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Kotetsu were trying to patch Rukia up. They weren't going to have an easy job of it._

"_She's alive," Renji muttered, looking down at his hands. They were shaking. He wasn't overly surprised. "Dear God...she's really alive"_

_Byakuya didn't say anything. That was no surprise. The captain-lieutenant pair stood in silence for over an hour, waiting for some news, any news. And finally, the door to Rukia's room opened, and Unohana and Isane stepped out. Both looked considerably worn. Byakuya and Renji looked around expectantly, and Renji quickly pushed himself off the wall._

"_Well?"_

"_She's...alive," Unohana said after a minute of silence. "That's all that you can really expect right now. She's alive"_

_Renji wasn't at all reassured by this. "Is she going to be _okay_?" he asked in an annoyed tone. Unohana and Isane exchanged looks, and finally the latter said, in a shaken voice,_

_"We don't really know, Lieutenant Abarai. You have to look at what happened to her...and how long it took to find her...we did our best, really we did. But...right now we just can't say whether or not she'll be okay"_

_Renji felt as if the floor had given out beneath him. "As of right now," Unohana picked up where her lieutenant had left off, "She has...fallen into a coma. We can't be sure whether or not she will ever wake up"_

_Even Byakuya couldn't hide his devastation at this information. No normal man could ever hide their feelings about something like this._

"_It's up to her now," Isane concluded, trying to work past how shaken the two men before her suddenly looked, "We're really...very sorry"_

_**-:-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

"That's it!" Rukia said angrily as she stomped on Renji's foot. Renji jumped around, howling in pain for a good five minutes. "If you're not going to pay attention, I'm not doing this Renji. I feel like an idiot saying that spell, for one thing, and for another...I'm not doing it anymore!"

Renji knew what the other reason was. She was tired. He could relate. It was after eight. They had been working since at least six that morning. "All right, all right," he said, bending down and massaging his toes, "No more. And please, next time you want my attention, just hit me over the head. You don't need to stomp on my foot like that"

"It's fun though," she said simply, turning and walking away. Renji sighed. It took him a minute to realize he was alone in the training room.

"Hey!" he took off after her. "Where are you going?"

"Home, where do you think?"

"You're supposed to let me take you home," he reminded her. She blew a stray strand of raven hair out of her eyes.

"Whatever. Just get me out of here. I'm sick of this place"

So he led her outside, took her by the arm, and used Flash Step to bring her back to the Kuchiki Mansion. She looked a little shaky when they touched the ground. No surprise. She hated traveling by Flash Step. "Happy?" he asked, trying not to sound too aggravated. He could tell just by the look on her face that she wasn't happy, though. And he wasn't surprised.

_**-:-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

"_What do you mean?!" Renji asked in an angry voice. He should have known better than to raise his voice to his captain. But he couldn't help it. The orders he had just received had to be fake. They _had_ to be. "With all due respect sir," he went on in a quieter voice, "That's bullshit."_

"_It's the orders of the Soul Society," Byakuya said patiently. Renji clenched his fist angrily. "You will not tell Ichigo Kurosaki that Rukia is alive. No one will."_

"_It's not our call to make!" Renji shouted. He received scandalized looks from the two Fourth Squad Soul Reapers that were in the room with him. But he didn't care. "We've messed with their lives enough, it's not our right!"_

"_It doesn't matter," Byakuya said. He was starting to sound aggravated. Good. "Those are your orders, Abarai"_

"_You didn't see Ichigo," Renji said, grimacing when he realized he was defending the orange-haired substitute. "You didn't see how broken he was. He deserves to know that Rukia is at least alive, even if that's all. He deserves to know."_

_The girl in question was currently laying in the bed that was keeping Renji from attempting to pound his captain. She was connected to about a hundred different machines and IVs, and was wearing an oxygen mask. Unlike the two Fourth Squad Soul Reapers, who were now muttering to each other about Renji's lack of respect, she hadn't flinched when Renji started yelling. "It's not our call," Renji repeated angrily._

"_I didn't realize you cared so much Abarai," Renji looked down at Rukia's still form. He wanted to say he was doing this for her, not Ichigo. But even he knew that was a lie. He was – as much as he hated to admit it – doing it for both of them. But he knew there was no arguing with the orders of the Soul Society. So he simply muttered,_

"_I don't care. And I won't tell Kurosaki anything"_

_Byakuya nodded and turned to leave. Renji collapsed into the chair next to Rukia's bed. Angry thoughts were flowing through his head. But of course, he couldn't voice any of them._

"_If you're smart, Rukia, you'll stay like that. You don't want to get involved in this mess."_

_**-:-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

If there was one thing Renji didn't like, it was standing in Byakuya Kuchiki's living room, trying to deliver a report. Every bit of it was just so...well, he wasn't so sure. But it was off, somehow. "She still hasn't remembered anything," Renji was saying, his eyes dodging from corner to corner. He wanted to get out of there quick. The place made him feel uncomfortable. "She's ah...progressing in Kidou though...Captain Kuchiki, can I ask a question?"

Byakuya nodded. Renji tried to figure out how to put the question so he wouldn't sound like a jerk, and settled for, "Why have _me_ train her? I suck at Kidou, anyone on the squad can attest to that, why have me do it? Why not get someone more...professional? Or at least better"

Byakuya didn't even have to hesitate before he answered. "Because you're the first person she saw when she woke up, and you're the one she trusts fully. To put her with anyone else would frighten her. And we don't need that."

_**-:-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

_Renji threw down his pen, annoyed. "I hate paperwork!" he proclaimed loudly. Normally he wouldn't have said something like that. But Byakuya was away for the day, and Renji was in charge. So he took advantage of that, just as he always did. "I'm taking a break," he added, standing up. Who was he talking to anyway? He was the only one in the office. He was talking to...himself. Ah. Whatever._

_Every crazy person needs company though. So he decided to visit the one person that could keep a psycho happy for hours._

"_Hey Rukia," he said as brightly as he could as he walked into the young woman's room. He didn't let himself be daunted by the fact that she was in the same position she had been in for three years. He still knew she'd wake up. Someday. "So how's it going?" he said casually, sitting down in his usual seat, "Been keeping busy? I have a lot to tell you, it's been awhile since I visited, I know. Where to start, where to start...I told you about Momo and Captain Hitsugaya right? You know, how they've been going out and everything? Yeah, I think I did. What else..."_

_  
This was what Renji often did when he visited Rukia. He babbled endlessly, none of his sentence every made any sense. But the babbling kept his mind off the fact that Rukia wasn't going to respond when he finished speaking._

_He went on for a good ten minutes about how everyone Rukia had ever come in contact with was doing. Then he ran out of things to say. "You know, Rukia," he said finally, "Ichigo doesn't know you're alive. It's been three years, and no one's been allowed to tell him. It's killing him. I check up on him sometimes, when I'm in the living world for something – they send me there a lot to try and talk Yoruichi into coming back to the Soul Society, you know – he's doing pretty well. Ichigo, I mean. But he misses you. Sometimes I'll catch him at night, he'll be laying in bed, staring at pictures of you. When I see him during the day though, you'd never know anything was wrong. He works, of course, but when he's not working, he's playing with Kaien. Kid's gotten so big. He just turned three. Can you believe it?"_

_Renji bit his lip. He didn't feel right, telling Rukia this. Telling her that her kid was growing up without her. Hell. She'd never know. "I'd better get going Rukia," he said finally, starting to stand up, "I'll...see you..."_

_His voice trailed off into nothing as he stared at Rukia's small hand. It was twitching. Just a little. But it was twitching. It was the most movement she had made in three years. "Oh God..." Renji muttered, "R...Rukia?"_

_A soft moan escaped her lips. Renji, shaken, fell back in his chair, watching her face intently. And after a moment, her eyes began to open. Renji was momentarily shocked by the vivid violet. He had forgotten how deep her eyes were. "Rukia?" Renji repeated again, leaning forward._

"_Wha-at?" her voice cracked. Her eyes were still barely open, but were already shifting around the room. "What...Who...am I?"_

_**-:-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

Renji was happy to leave the Kuchiki Mansion. The place was too...Byakuya-ish, in Renji's opinion. And Renji got enough Byakuya at the sixth division.

"Renji?" the man in question jumped and looked around. Rukia was standing by a bush. She had obviously been waiting for him.

"Yeah. What's up?"

"You always know more than you say you do," that answer could not have confused Renji anymore if it tried. "You always know the answers to my questions," Rukia went on, ignoring Renji's confusion, "But you never tell me"

"Where are you going with this?"

"Who's the orange-haired boy?" Renji's heart stopped. "I see him in my dreams almost every night. I know you know Renji. Who is he?"

_**-:-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

"_Amnesia"_

"_No fucking duh," Renji said through gritted teeth, not caring whether or not he upset the Fourth Squad captain, "Even _I_ know it's amnesia"_

_Isane and Hanatarō were in Rukia's room, talking with her in gentle voices. She looked kind of comforted, but mostly just confused._

"_How long will it last?" Renji went on, "That's what I want to know. How long?"_

_"There's no way to tell," Unohana said in a calm voice only she could manage, "It could last a day, a week, a month, a year...it could be the rest of her life"_

_Renji didn't like the sound of that at all. "The – The rest of her _life_?"_

"_It's possible"_

_He didn't want to believe it. "Is there anything we can do? To help her, I mean?"_

"_Treat her the way you normally would. Try and use things from her life that might jog her memory. These aren't concrete things that work, but they're something," Renji could go with something. But he couldn't think of anything else to say. So he went back into Rukia's room._

_She looked up as she approached. "Hello," she said in a cautious voice. Renji could barely look at her. She had never spoken that way to him before._

_He was in for one hell of a haul._

_**-:-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

"I don't know Rukia," Renji said finally. "If I did...I'd tell you"

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**Author's Note** – And there you have it. The whole grisly story. I know it's terrible, and boring, and…other bad things. Deal with it. And review. Please? – Sam


	4. Moving On

**Disclaimer: **Do I...look like I own 'Bleach'?

* * *

_"Rukia is dead, Kaien. She can't come back"_

* * *

**Chapter 4** – Moving On 

"Ichigo, there's someone I want you to meet-"

"Is it a woman?"

"Er..."

"No"

"_Ichigo_," Orihime sighed wearily. She was no fool. She knew Ichigo would never agree to any kind of date, especially a blind one. But she had to try. "It wouldn't be a date," she tried to assure the agitated man, "Just a friend. You have those, remember?"

"Dad, are you going somewhere?" Kaien looked around the kitchen door. Ichigo stared into his son's deep violet eyes.

"Of course I'm not," Orihime sighed again.

"Ichigo for the love of...Kaien can come too, if you want," Kaien brightened at that. Now there was no way Ichigo could say no. Orihime knew that.

"It's not a date," she repeated, giving Ichigo a smile, "I know you still love Rukia, I'm no fool. You'll always love her. But sometimes it's just easier to move on. She wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life in mourning. She'd probably hit if you if she knew what you were doing. Please Ichigo, just think about it"

There was too much truth in Orihime's words. Rukia wouldn't have stood for Ichigo acting like such a sad puppy. She'd hit him, tell him he was being pathetic, and to just grow up and stop living in the past. But Ichigo knew perfectly well if the cards were switched, and Rukia was in his position, she'd do the exact same thing. So Ichigo didn't feel at all guilty about it.

"You need to get out more," Orihime was saying, "You can't tell me you didn't have even a little bit of fun the other night, all of us out on the town together, having a good time-"

If only Orihime had taken two seconds to notice, she would have seen that Ichigo hadn't been having _any_fun. But then, why _would_ Orihime notice something like that? "Look, Orihime, I appreciate you looking out for me and everything, but I'm okay with things the way they are. Kaien and I are happy, right buddy?"

Kaien nodded, though it was obvious he had no clue what he was agreeing to. "There," Ichigo looked back at Orihime, who sighed. She had known perfectly well this wouldn't work. But she had to try. Ichigo had been in mourning for five years. And Orihime, being his friend, wasn't able to just stand by and watch him spend the rest of his life waiting for a woman who was dead.

"Ichigo..." but she saw the defiance in his amber eyes, the unwillingness to just let go. He would forever be in the past. And Orihime wasn't sure she blamed him. If it were her in that position, and Uryu was the one who was gone, she wasn't sure _she'd_ be able to move on either. So she let it go. "All right Ichigo, I understand"

And even though part of her did, most of her didn't. Rukia wouldn't have wanted this. Orihime knew that. Ichigo probably did too. But the question was, did he care?

* * *

Rukia drew her legs up under her chin, sighing. She was sitting outside the sixth division building. The sun was beginning to set, setting the sky ablaze. The light hurt Rukia's eyes, but she didn't care. She continued to watch the sky, letting her thoughts take her away as they always did. Not that she went to anywhere she understood. Over and over she saw things in her mind that didn't make any sense, people she didn't recognize, places she wasn't sure she had ever been before. 

"You daydreamin' 'gain? Slacker," a hand connected with the back of Rukia's head. Sighing, annoyed, she looked up at Renji. Renji, one of the few people Rukia really _knew_. The person that had been there for Rukia for as long as she could remember (which was really only five years). Renji, who always seemed to know the truth, but never wanted to tell.

"Ah shut up," Rukia said, annoyed, "Look who's talking Mr. 'I-Have-Paperwork-From-Five-Years-Ago.' Don't lecture me about slacking"

"Tch," Renji made an impatient noise in his throat, but didn't say anything else. Rukia had won that round. "So what were you thinking about just now?"

"Same thing I always think about."

"So...nothing?" Rukia slapped him angrily.

"No, idiot," Renji's smirk faded away. He knew what she was thinking about. He rested a hand on her shoulder. She shook it off.

"I don't know many people," her words obviously took Renji by surprise. He gaped at her, head cocked slightly.

"W-What?" he stuttered, "Yeah you do, you know-"

"You, my brother, and the servants in the house," Rukia listed the people she knew. It really wasn't many. "I know there are more people in this world than _that_, Renji. I'm not stupid. Renji, how come I'm not allowed to go anywhere except here and the house?"

"How come you're asking so many damn questions all of a sudden?" Renji asked, failing to keep the annoyance out of his voice. "You've been asking a lot of questions lately, and you seem really chatty. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong," Rukia said, "I'm just...tired of it. Tired of...of you running my life, you and Brother, tired of not knowing anyone else, tired of not knowing...of not knowing who I am!"

Renji sighed. He had known this day was coming eventually. There was nothing he could do about that. He knew a time would come when Rukia would want, independence, freedom, answers. He had hoped he wouldn't be around for it. Amnesia or not, Rukia wouldn't like being left out of the loop. She wouldn't stay quiet when she finally decided she wanted answera. And Renji wasn't overly certain he wanted to be the one to give them to her.

"Well, what do you want?" he asked finally, "Anything specific? Or will any little thing satisfy you for now?"

"People," it was an obvious answer. Renji was sure Byakuya would skin him alive when he found out he had brought Rukia out into the Seireitei. But Renji wasn't in the mood to answer any questions. So he stood up, held out his hand, and said, "Well then. Let's go find people then, shall we?" she looked at his hand as if unsure of what to make of it. And finally she took it, and he pulled her up. Their hands stayed intertwined for a second too long, and Renji's face burned brighter than his hair. Rukia pulled away suddenly.

"What's wrong?" she shook her head, suddenly looking upset.

"Nothing. It's nothing. Just..." he waited for an answer. "Something just doesn't feel right," Renji hesitated for a moment, then touched his hand to hers again. They stood like that for a few seconds, then Renji was the one to pull away, though it was with a heavy heart.

"You're right. It doesn't feel right," he took her arm and pulled her away. She didn't fight, but at the same time she didn't look overly pleased with being pulled around the way she was.

"Where are we going?"

"To find people," Renji said simply. She still didn't seem overly pleased with the arrangement of being pushed around. But Renji was the only way she was going to get what she wanted. So she kept quiet and let herself be led out of the sixth division. It was nice, she decided at once, walking instead of traveling by that damned Flash Step.

"Renji!" they had only been walking for a little while when someone shouted Renji's name. The man in question looked around.

"Hey Rangiku," he raised a lazy hand in greeting, "Hey Momo"

The lieutenants of Squad Ten and Five caught up to Renji and Rukia fairly quickly. They both stopped dead when they saw Rukia. "R-Rukia, what are you-" Momo looked around at Renji in surprise, "What's up?"

"Captain Kuchiki finally let her out of the shell?" Rangiku said, looking from Rukia to Renji, who shook his head.

"He doesn't know. And to be honest...I'd rather this didn't get back to him," Renji looked over at Rukia and smiled. She and Momo were talking now, and Rukia was actually smiling, for once. She seemed very comfortable, very at home, out on the streets. She probably would have blended right in had he brought her back to the Rukongai. But there was no way in hell that was happening.

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Renji was snapped out of his thoughts by Rangiku, who was watching Momo and Rukia. "She seems just like an innocent child right now. It's amazing how losing your memories can turn you into something you never were before"

"She's lucky she doesn't remember," Renji said bitterly.

"How do you figure?" Rangiku asked, tearing her eyes from Momo and Rukia, and looking back at Renji. "Sure, she forgot all the bad things she's had to deal with. But what about the good? What about all her friends? What about the life she lived in the living world? What about..." Rangiku lowered her voice significantly, "Ichigo and her son? She doesn't remember any of that. And I don't see anyone rushing to tell her"

"You know we're under strict orders not to-"

"S'not my place anyway," Rangiku shrugged, "You're the only one she trusts, that's just a little obvious. To have me or Momo, or anyone else who is a complete stranger, tell her the truth...I don't think she'd take it well. And anyways-" the Squad Ten Lieutenant sighed wearily, "I wouldn't want to deal with Byakuya Kuchiki if I was the one that told her the truth. I like my head attached to my body, thank you very much"

Renji laughed a little at that. Decapitation was probably nicest thing Byakuya would do. The red-haired Soul Reaper sighed and looked over at Rukia. "Hey," the girl in question looked around, "We'd better get going," she didn't look overly pleased by this. "Don't give me that look. I don't wanna hear it. If I don't get you home, I'll never hear the end of it from your brother. C'mon"

Rukia followed him, obviously aggravated. "Happy?" Renji asked as they walked. "Other people. Not all they're cracked up to be"

"That girl talked a lot," was all Rukia said.

"Momo," Renji supplied the name. "Yeah, she tends to do that. Once you get her going, I mean. Right after everything with Aizen she was really-"

"Who?" Renji sighed wearily. Of course she didn't know who he was talking about. And he wasn't in the mood to explain it.

"Never-mind. Nobody. Forget it," Rukia didn't look satisfied with that answer. But she didn't say anything about it.

* * *

Kaien didn't know what was going on. He didn't understand why, all of a sudden, everyone was trying to steal his father away from him. Aunt Yuzu, Aunt Karin, Grandpa, Aunt Orihime, Uncle Uryu, they were trying to take his father away. Why were they all so determined to tear apart Kaien's family? 

"Your parents are ruining my life," Kaien informed Souken during a walk home from school. Souken looked around in surprise.

"You know, I say the same thing a lot," Kaien made a face.

"Souken, I'm serious. They're trying to take my father. Why are they doing that?"

Souken made a face and shrugged. "I dunno, Kai. They just want your dad to be happy. My mom told me-"

"Why does your mom think she knows more about my own_ father_ than I do?!" Kaien asked angrily, "How can she possibly think she knows him better, when I'm the one that lives with him, the one that sees him everyday, the one that's seen everything he's gone through! How could your mom possibly know more than me?"

"Why don't you ask yourself?" Souken pointed to the driveway of Kaien's house. It was empty. His dad was still at work. And Kaien hated being home alone. So he followed Souken to his house.

"Mom, I'm home!" Souken called as they walked inside. Orihime peeked out from the kitchen.

"Hey Souken! And Kaien too, hi! There's cookies in the kitchen if you want them," Kaien turned a shade of green.

"No thanks. Um, Aunt Orihime, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Why are you taking my dad away from me?"

Orihime didn't look at all surprised by the question. "Souken, why don't you go watch TV?" the boy in question nodded and went into the living room. "Kaien, come upstairs with me," Kaien complied, and the two went up together. They went into Orihime's room, and the older woman pulled a photo album out of her closet. She and Kaien sat down on the bed together, Kaien curled against Orihime, who opened the album. Kaien stared at the first picture on the page. It was a picture of his mother. She was standing with Orihime, Uryu, and Ichigo. They all looked happy, even Kaien's dad, though he was trying to hide it. Kaien stared sadly at the picture. "My mom"

"Ichigo taught you well," Orihime smiled as she traced a slim finger around Ichigo's face, "Yeah, that's Rukia. She was a beautiful person, wasn't she?" Kaien nodded. "She and your father loved each other so much. I remember in high school, I had a crush on Ichigo. A big one. But I always knew Rukia was the one he had chosen. And I was okay with that," Orihime sighed dreamily, "But...anyways. Kaien, the point I'm trying to make here is that your father loved your mother a lot. He loved her more than life itself. But it's been eight years, he has to-"

"She could still come home!" Kaien said angrily, pushing himself up and glaring at Orihime, who sighed.

"Kaien, do you know what dead means?" she asked it patiently, giving Kaien no thought that she was being sarcastic.

"She could-"

"Kaien, I know it hurts," Orihime said quietly, laying a hand on Kaien's shoulder. "I know how it feels to lose someone you care about. And for you it's worse, you never even knew her. But Kaien, she's gone. She can't come back. It's not an easy thing to deal with, and it leaves a hole in you, I know-" she rested her hand over Kaien's heart, "It hurts worse here. And it takes awhile to heal. But it will. Time is the best medicine Kaien. With time, you accept the truth, and you move on. That's what you have to do Kaien. You and your father. You have to move on. Because as much as it hurts, Rukia is dead, Kaien. She can't come back"

Tears were swimming in Kaien's eyes. His bottom lip trembled, and for a minute he didn't know what to say. Then the words came to him. "You're _wrong_!" he sprang up, pushing away from Orihime. He pointed an angry, accusing finger at her. "You're wrong, you're wrong! She's alive, I know she is! She'll come back, she has to! If she really loves my dad and me, she'll come back! She _will_!"

He whirled around and ran out without another word. Orihime watched him run, sighing. He was so much like his father. He would never let go. He _could_ never let go. Not Ichigo, not Kaien. They both loved Rukia. She would never be replaced in their hearts.

* * *

**Author's Note **- Hmn...well, that was interesting. Orihime actually made sense for once. Yeah, I'm scared too. Anyways, nothing much to say now except 'review'. So...review! - Sam 


	5. Hope Never Dies

* * *

"_I think...Mom is still alive"_

* * *

**Chapter 5 –** Hope Never Dies 

"_She's _alive_!"_

Rukia darted up in bed, breathing hard. All she could hear in her head now was those two words, over and over. Who was that screaming them? It wasn't a voice Rukia recognized. And who were they talking about anyways?

Rukia shook her head, sighing, and pulled her knees up close to her body. The sun was just starting to rise. Despite the fact she had basically gotten a full night's sleep, the young woman still felt exhausted. She ran a hand over her tired violet eyes, and, resigned to the fact that she was up for the day, got up and prepared to get dressed.

"Ms. Kuchiki!" Rukia made a face as a maid greeted her in the hall, "How are you feeling? Are you okay? You look rather pale..."

They talked too much. Rukia had decided when she first came to live in this place, she didn't like the servants. They just talked too much. And Rukia liked things when they were quieter. "I'm fine," she said shortly, turning to walk away. She tried to avoid talking to the servants. Not because she didn't like them. She just didn't like that they talked too much. And they were always talking about her, bothering her even though she just wanted to be left alone.

"Hey Rukia," Renji was waiting in the study, predictably enough. He was always there, always waiting for her. "How's life?"

"How do you think it is?" Rukia asked, feeling just a little annoyed. Renji smirked and pushed himself off the wall he had been leaning against.

"Yeah, good point. Sorry, it's a standard question." He held out a hand for her, "Ready to go or not? We don't have all day here"

Rukia stared at his hand for a minute. The last few days, things had been very strange between her and him. And she wasn't really sure what to make of it. "It's not gonna bite, you know," Renji said, sounding halfway between annoyed and amused.

"I don't want to go to the sixth division today," the words came out of Rukia's mouth. And yet they took her by surprise just as much as they did Renji. He gaped at her, looking like a fish out of water. "I mean...I go there everyday...I need a change of scenery, Renji, something different. Just for today. Please?"

Renji ran a hand through his crimson hair, sighing exasperatedly. "Well...I guess...I mean, your brother isn't around today, I might be able to get away with it..."

Rukia beamed. She was good at getting Renji to do what she wanted him to do. "So where do you want to go?" He asked finally.

"I dunno, do I? Anywhere is good."

And that was how they ended up walking through the streets once more. Rukia half hoped to run into someone again, like they had the last time she had been out with Renji. Maybe those two ladies whose names she couldn't really recall...Momo and Rangiku, maybe?

The two afore mentioned lieutenants were currently walking down the street behind Renji and Rukia, neither of whom had noticed them. Momo stopped when she saw them, and started to yell, "Hey-"

Rangiku slapped a hand over Momo's mouth. "Shush," she said sternly, her eyes narrowing at Rukia and Renji. They looked unnaturally close.

"Mmffm," Momo pushed Rangiku's hand away, "What was that for?" she asked quietly, sounding annoyed. Rangiku motioned for Momo to follow her, and the two walked into a nearby ally. "Well?" Momo asked, her hands on her hips. Rangiku sighed.

"Did you notice how close they looked?" Momo blinked.

"I uh...not really, no," she stuttered, "But Renji wouldn't...I know he loves Rukia, but he would never..._she _would never-"

"No, she wouldn't," Rangiku agreed, "If she knew everything, she certainly wouldn't. But you're forgetting, she doesn't remember a thing about her past. She doesn't know about Ichigo. And if Renji was able to get to her..."

Momo bit her lip and folded her arms. "But Renji knows. And he would never-"

"He loves her. And if he ever thought he had a chance...I'm not overly sure he wouldn't take it"

Renji looked over his shoulder. Rukia looked up at him, annoyed. "Why the hell are you so paranoid?" she asked finally. He shook his head.

"I just feel like we're being watched. Don't you?"

Rukia shrugged. The honest truth was she didn't feel like that at all. But if Renji wanted to play his games and be paranoid, who was she to stop him? "So where are we going?" she asked after a few minutes of silence. She hated silence. It made her feel so uncomfortable.

"You never said you wanted to go anywhere, so we're just walking," Rukia pouted at that. She hated it when he did things like that.

"What, there isn't _anywhere _we can go?" Renji scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Well...there is one place..."

He switched directions promptly. Rukia, confused, followed him. They hadn't been walking for long when a building came into view, and two arguing voices reached their ears.

"I'm telling you Sentaro, he's not going to want _your _lousy cooking-"

"Shows how much you know Kiyone!" Rukia blinked and looked up at Renji, who was grinning, amused.

"What-"

"Come on," he took her arm and pulled her forward. It didn't take long to find Kiyone and Sentaro at the entrance to the thirteenth division building. The goofy third seats of the squad were holding bowls and yelling at each other, predictably enough. They stopped when they saw Renji and Rukia approaching, and Kiyone beamed.

"Rukia!" she said happily, "It's so good to see you! How are you?"

Rukia blinked and shrank back. Okay, obviously this person knew her...but Rukia didn't have a clue as to who she was. "Stop yelling you idiot, you'll scare her," Sentaro snapped, slapping Kiyone over to head. Kiyone bristled, looking thoroughly aggravated.

"Who asked you anyway?!"

"Hey come on," Renji said, trying to be the peacemaker, "I'm risking my neck here to bring Rukia here, you could at least stop arguing long enough for a visit"

Rukia cocked and eyebrow and looked up at him. Kiyone and Sentaro exchanged looks and nodded, finally. "All right, good. Where's Captain Ukitake anyway?"

"He's on bed-rest again," Sentaro said, sounding forlorn, "We were just about to bring him lunch anyway, I made him this great bowl of soup-"

"And I made him a better bowl, so we're going to give him that," Kiyone broke in. Sentaro glared at her. "Can't argue, remember?" Kiyone said slyly, grinning. Sentaro gave her a death glare, and the two instantly launched into an argument. Renji sighed wearily as he watched them, and finally said, trying to divert a full-scale blowout,

"Think Captain Ukitake is up for some visitors?" Sentaro and Kiyone stopped arguing at once, and looked around, beaming.

"Of course! I'll take her!" Kiyone said, grabbing Rukia's arm and dragging her forward. The woman looked over her shoulder at Renji, who laughed as he watched Rukia be pulled out of sight. As soon as she was gone, his smile faded away.

"She still hasn't remembered, has she?" Sentaro asked, all traces of goofy anger gone. Renji sighed and shook his head. "It's been five years," Sentaro went on, sounding stern, "Do you think it's wise for Captain Kuchiki to keep her so isolated from the world? It would help her to get out more, meet the people who knew her before-"

"Don't you think I've tried telling her brother that?" Renji asked snappishly, "I tried to convince him that it would be better to just let her live normally, instead of sheltering her all the time, but he just doesn't listen. And, in a round about way, even though I think it's wrong to keep her isolated...I also kind of think it's for the best. She's happier now than she ever has been in her life. She's better off not knowing everything that's happened to her in the past, everything she's missed in the past five years. She's better off not knowing...but that doesn't make it okay to keep everything from her. She deserves to know the truth"

Sentaro nodded, folding his arms, looking weary. "He thinks he knows what's right for her. But in reality...the only one that knows what's right for Rukia..._is_ Rukia"

* * *

Kiyone talked a mile a minute about things Rukia didn't know or understand. The young woman was obviously a very perky person. If Rukia remembered anything about her, she might know whether or not she found her at all annoying. She had a feeling she didn't though. "It just feels like it's been so long, even longer than five years, you know-" 

"Um...Kiyone, right?" she nodded, "Right. How...How do we know each other?"

Kiyone stopped, looking unsure of how th answer. Her smile was gone. She looked back at Rukia, doubt filling her eyes. "We were...friends," she said finally. Rukia wasn't at all convinced by the answer. "I mean, we weren't _great _friends, but we knew each other. We worked together. You...you really don't remember, do you?"

Rukia shook her head. Kiyone smiled softly. "Well, it's all right. I know you'll remember someday...I know it"

They walked in silence for a little while longer. Finally they stopped outside a door, and Kiyone knocked. "Captain Ukitake? There's someone here to see you"

"Come in Kiyone," a kind sounding voice called. Kiyone smiled back at Rukia before opening the door and stepping in. Rukia, after a moment of hesitation, followed.

"What the..." she found herself facing a kind looking man with long silver hair. His face was pale, and at the moment contorted into a look of shock. "_Rukia_?"

Rukia bit her lip and looked away. It was hard, never knowing who any of these people were. "This is Captain Ukitake," Kiyone explained quickly, sensing Rukia's discomfort, "He's ah...well, you know him. He's really nice, don't worry"

Picking up on Kiyone's hint, Ukitake smiled quickly. "It's good to see you again, Rukia, very good. Just surprising, is all. Kiyone, why don't you...?"

Kiyone bowed her way out, shooting Rukia smile as she did so. Rukia shifted her weight between her feet, and looked over at Ukitake, who motioned for her to come closer and said, "Sit down," in a gentle voice. Rukia complied, resting her hands (which were currently balled into shaking fists) on her legs. "It's been a few years, Rukia. How are you?"

She muttered, "Fine," under her breath, unable to bring herself to look this man fully in the eye. Despite the fact he seemed very kind, something about him was just unsettling to her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"_Rukia...why did you come back?"_

_She couldn't answer. She was sobbing too hard. Dead weight pressed down her, pushing her to her knees, blood ran over her hands..._

Rukia's eyes snapped open and she gasped, stumbling up at once. Ukitake followed her clumsy motions, surprised. "What is it, what's-"

"Nothing," Rukia shook her head vigorously, "I just, I...have to go"

She darted out without another word. She didn't even bother shutting the door behind her, and could feel Ukitake's eyes on her until she turned down the hall and out of sight.

Kiyone sighed as she returned to where Sentaro and Renji were still talking. "Just doesn't seem like Rukia anymore"

"Well what do you expect?" Renji asked her crossly, "She doesn't know a damn thing about you or me, or anything going on around her. Half the time she barely even knows she's not really a human. You know she has short term memory issues, right?"

Kiyone hadn't known that, actually. She shook her head, and Renji nodded. "Nine out of ten times we have to remind her of all kinds of things. Half the time she can't even remember _my_ name. And I spend the most time with her out of everyone else"

Kiyone frowned. "That's terrible. Imagine not being able to even remember who the people close to you are. I feel sorry for-"

"Don't," Kiyone stopped. "Don't feel sorry for her. It's Rukia, remember? No one ever feels sorry for Rukia. She's not that kind of person, you know that. Don't feel sorry for her, if she ever knew you were, she'd lose it. She hates pity, memory or not"

"I guess-"

At that moment Rukia appeared next to Renji. Her appearance was so prompt and out-of-nowhere, Kiyone wondered for a moment whether or not she had used Flash Step. But the next second she doubled over, breathing hard. Renji hesitated, then rested a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, you all right? What is it, what's wrong?"

She gulped and took deep breaths, shaking her head. "N-Nothing. It's nothing"

She was shaking. Kiyone couldn't help but wonder what had happened between her and Captain Ukitake. "Can we go?" Rukia looked up at Renji insistently. The look took Renji by surprise, and for a second he just stuttered. "Please?" Rukia added pleadingly.

"Yeah, all right. Come on," he led her away. Kiyone and Sentaro watched them, confused. Kiyone jumped when she heard footsteps behind her. She and Sentaro look around, and found themselves facing Captain Ukitake.

"Gone already?" he asked, looking a little put-out. Kiyone and Sentaro nodded in unison, and Sentaro gave voice to Kiyone's thoughts.

"What happened? She looked terrified."

"I don't really know, to be honest," Ukitake said, "We were talking – well, I was talking at any rate – and she seemed okay...then something happened. It kind of seemed like she went somewhere else – and it wasn't a good place. And then...she just ran out."

Kiyone and Sentaro exchanged looks. "I wonder if she does that often. Go other places, I mean. Memories. I wonder-"

"We'd know all this for sure if Captain Kuchiki wasn't keeping her so secluded," Kiyone cut off her captain, feeling just a little bitter. Ukitake nodded.

"He's not making the best decisions for her. But he obviously thinks it's right. What can we do to deny it?" Kiyone shook her head. It still didn't seem right.

* * *

"So what happened?" Renji asked as he and Rukia made their way down the street. Rukia, Renji noted, looked terribly pale. And she was still shaking. "One minute you were thrilled to be there, then you couldn't leave quick enough. Well?" 

"Nothing," Rukia shook her head vigorously. "It was nothing. I just...I didn't like it there, I didn't feel right. I wanted to get out. I hope I didn't insult those three...um..."

"Captain Ukitake, Kiyone, and Sentaro," Renji supplied the names. Rukia nodded silently. As they walked, Renji noticed she was stumbling a little. Renji shook his head and took her arm, helping her stand steady. "You feel all right?"

"Just a little tired," she said, resting a hand against her forehead. "I didn't sleep very well last night. Weird dreams. Nothing new."

Her dreams. They were something Renji latched onto. They were fragments, memories of her past, flashes she saw, but could make no sense of. She told Renji about them, and he could almost always pick out which memory was which (though the one of her pinned to the ground by some blond-haired boy was definitely one Renji didn't recognize). At the moment, they were Renji's only hope that she would ever regain her memories.

"Yeah? What happened in it?" Renji liked playing games with Rukia's dreams. He liked figuring out which ones he could guess.

"I don't really know, to be honest," she frowned in concentration, "I was in this place...it was really dark, I couldn't even see an inch in front of me," that could have been one of their many childhood hangouts, Renji mused silently. "And someone was screaming..."

She paused. "What were they screaming?" Renji prompted.

"I...I couldn't really make sense of it," Rukia mumbled, "It wasn't a voice I recognized at all, it was a little kid, I think, and he was screaming...he was screaming 'she's alive.' Over and over, that's all I heard. 'She's alive'"

Huh. Renji couldn't really make sense out of that one. He didn't remember anything like that ever happening. It must have been a memory from her time on Earth, he decided. "Sounds pretty messed up," he said finally.

"Do you think it was a memory?" she asked hopefully, looking up at him. She liked find out whether or not her dreams were memories. Renji tried to decide on the best answer that wouldn't completely hurt her.

"It...might be."

She didn't look at all reassured by this. "Hey, it's all right," Renji rested a hand on her head, "You never know. I don't know everything about you, after all."

She smiled just a little. "Thanks Renji."

She slipped her hand into his free one. Renji gulped. He was going to rot in hell for this...

He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "It'll be okay."

* * *

"Get it?" Ichigo looked over at Kaien, who nodded and twiddled his pencil around between his fingers. "All right. Try the next one on your own then." 

Ichigo leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms as he watched Kaien try to decipher the mess that was his math homework. The orange-haired man smiled and ruffled his son's hair. Kaien giggled. Such a childish noise.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and suddenly Kaien said, "Dad? Have you ever loved anyone other than Mom? Have you ever...moved on?"

Ichigo looked over at Kaien in surprise. Where was _this _coming from? "W-What do you mean? Why do you want to know?"

Kaien played with his pencil, homework forgotten. "I talked to Aunt Orihime the other day. She said...she said Mom was gone, and that you had to move on. Have you? Have you moved on? Is that why you don't talk about her? Do you want to forget her?"

Orihime. Ichigo was going to kill her. What was she putting in his son's head? "Of course I don't want to forget Mom. I would never want to forget her. And no, I've never loved anyone else. I _could_ never love anyone else. Your mom was the only person for me. And...no. I've never really moved on. I feel like I should...but moving on isn't as easy as it sounds."

"Aunt Orihime said she used to have a crush on you"

_Well, thank you for confirming my nightmares, _Ichigo thought, suppressing a shudder. He had never thought of Orihime like_t hat_. But apparently she had thought of _him _like that. "Yeah, well...you know. That's Aunt Orihime for you. And she fell in love with Uncle Uryu, didn't she? She has Uncle Uryu, and I have – I had Mom."

Kaien looked a little bit reassured. "Dad?" he said after a minute of silence. "Can I tell you something? You have to promise you won't laugh, first."

This was obviously something important. Kaien had never looked so serious before. "Of course I won't laugh. What is it?"

Kaien fidgeted. And finally he said, "I think...Mom is still alive."

Ichigo froze. He had explained to Kaien at a young age what 'death' was. And what it meant to be dead. He had to. Kaien had wanted so many answers. So how could he be saying Rukia was alive? "Yeah? What makes you think that?"

Kaien shook his head, and after a minute he brought a hand up to his heart. "I dunno. I just...I feel it. Here. I know she's alive Dad. I _know it_. Aunt Orihime says Mom's gone, and she can't come back. But I know she can. She loves us, Dad. I know she can come back. And she _will_."

Kaien's bright, violet eyes were filled with happiness and hope. Ichigo didn't want to burst the poor kid's bubble. But what choice did he have? "Kaien...I know you want to believe she'll come back. And I do too. I want your mom to come back more than anything. But Kaien, she can't. I know you're too young to really understand it. But...Mom's dead, Kaien. I'm sorry, I know it hurts. But unfortunately...it's the truth. I hate it too, trust me, and I have dreams at night, where Mom comes back...but it can never happen, Kaien."

_Fwish_. Kaien looked as if all the air had been let out of him. Ichigo could practically _hear_ the young boy's heart breaking. "She can come back," he said in a low voice. "She can. She _will_. And when she does, you'll be sorry you didn't believe me."

He stood up and left the kitchen, abandoning his homework. Ichigo sighed as he watched the boy's back. The poor kid...he was in denial. He was, in many ways, acting worse than Ichigo had. But unfortunately, this was the sad reality.

Rukia was gone. Nothing, no amount of wishing, would ever bring her back.

* * *

**Author's Note **- Well...on that depressing note...sorry for not updating in so long. My brain does thing where, when it comes up with a new idea, it latches onto said idea, and I can only work on _that _idea. And I recently came up with a good idea for a Naruto story (undecided on whether or not I'm publishing it), so that's all I've been working on for awhile. And with that said, review and let me know what you think! - Sam 


	6. The Truth

* * *

"_All right then. The truth is...yes. Your mother is alive."_

* * *

**Chapter 6 –** The Truth 

Kaien Kurosaki was usually good at facing reality. He'd dealt with it enough in his eight years of life. But the reality that his mother was never coming home...it wasn't something he'd deal with as easily as he had everything else.

"Earth. To. Kaien!" a small fist knocked on Kaien's head. Kaien knocked Souken's hand away, frustrated.

"Stop it Sou. I'm thinking"

"And_I_ was talking, Kai," Souken said, frowning at Kaien, who smiled a little. Souken demanded total attention when he was saying something. But he talked too much, and Kaien didn't have the kind of intention span it took to listen to the boy's speeches.

"I'm sorry. I'll listen this time, I promise"

But of course, he didn't. He had too many other things on his mind, things Souken, the boy with a perfect family, could never understand.

The two kids were walking home from school. They had been intent on going to the park once classes were out, but their swings had been overrun by little kids. So they decided to go straight home. While they had been walking, Souken had been talking about what they were doing in Math (which Kaien pretty much didn't get).

"Kaien, are you okay?" the boy in question looked over at Souken, who was frowning. But it wasn't an angry frown. It was a concerned frown. Souken was concerned for his best friend. Kaien tried to smile, and said,

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You've been acting really weird." Souken said, still looking upset. "What is it, Kaien? What's wrong? And why haven't you told me yet?"

Kaien was breaking the best friend code and he knew it. So he proceeded to tell Souken everything that had been said over the last week, between Aunt Orihime and Kaien's father. Souken listened intently, and his eyes grew wide when Kaien said, "And I know everyone thinks she's dead...but I think my mom's alive, Souken"

"But...how?" Souken asked, "And if she's alive...and this is a big _if_, by the way...why hasn't she come home yet? Why is she still...wherever she is?"

Souken had pointed out the only flaw in Kaien's idea. Kaien made a face, and after a minute of silence he said, "Maybe she thinks...we don't love her anymore."

Souken thought about this for a moment. "Maybe...but then wouldn't she want to come and see for herself?"

"She could be afraid of being hurt."

"Maybe she's – hey, your dad's not home." .They stopped in front of Kaien's house. "Want to come over?"

Kaien shook his head though. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts. "All right then. See you tomorrow Kai!" Souken waved over his shoulder as he started off down the street again. Kaien let himself into the empty house, sighing.

"Jeez, you're sprouting like a weed. Guess you didn't inherit your mother's height."

Kaien's eyes widened and he jumped, whirling around to find himself facing...a man. A strange man, with black robes and spiky crimson hair, and a sword strapped to his side. Kaien stared at him. "Who the...what are you doing in here?!"

"It's all right, calm down." The man said quickly, "Listen, I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. I'm a...a friend of your dad's. My name is Renji."

"I know all my dad's friends." Kaien said, narrowing his eyes angrily. "You're not one of them. Get out of here."

The man – Renji – laughed. "Jeez. You're so much like Ichigo it's almost scary. And yet you _look _like Rukia..."

Kaien's eyes widened again at the word _Rukia_. "That's my mom's name." He said, shaken. "Do you – did you know my mom?"

Renji sighed, resting a hand on Kaien's head. He knocked it away at once. "Yeah. I knew...I know your mom. We're friends"

"We're?" Kaien was quick to notice the present tense Renji used.

"That's what I said."

"But my mom..." Kaien narrowed his eyes, "My mom's dead. My dad told me she's dead. How can you still know her?"

Renji didn't look Kaien in the eye. And, without thinking, Kaien darted forward and grabbed Renji by the sleeve of his robe.

"My mom...is she alive? What do you know?!"

* * *

_**---An Hour Earlier...---**_

"_What do you mean you're leaving?!" Rukia asked angrily, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Renji, who sighed._

"_I have some business to take care of...in other places."_

_"I want to come."_

_Renji shuddered at the thought of what Byakuya would do to him if he found out Renji had taken his little sister to the living world. "No way. I've become too accustomed to living to let you tag along this time."_

_Rukia looked furious now. "Look, I'll make it up to you when I come back, all right?" It felt weird, bargaining with Rukia like she was a little kid. But he was used to it. Rukia pouted. She obviously wasn't happy with this arrangement at all._

"_Yeah. Whatever."_

_Renji shook his head and turned to walk away from her. "Sorry Rukia." He muttered so she couldn't hear. "But this is something I have to do without you"_

_**---Present Time---**_

Kaien grabbed Renji by the arm of his robes. "My mom...is she alive? What do you know?!"

Renji stared down at the young boy. Kaien. He obviously upset now, and tightened his grip on Renji's sleeve, dragging him forward. For an eight-year-old, the kid was strong (Renji was also giving in a little, letting Kaien think he had the power. That was the best way to deal with it). "Is my mom alive or not?! Tell me the truth!"

Renji sighed. He was going to get into a lot of trouble for this. "It's a long story...and it's complicated...you might not-"

"Just_ tell me_"

Renji admired the kid's spunk. "All right. But like I said before, it's complicated. And before I tell you anything, you have to _promise_not tell your father"

To Renji, a promise meant nothing. But to Kaien, who was eight, it was like an oath of death. Kaien nodded seriously, and Renji said, "All right then. The truth is...yes. Your mother _is_ alive. But-"

"_Yes_!" Kaien nearly flew out of his skin. He released his grip on Renji's robes, and practically _flew_ around the living room. "I knew it, I _knew it_! She's _alive_!"

"Shush!" Renji said quickly, afraid of attracting the neighbors' attention. "Yeah, she is, but there's more to it then that, calm down and let me tell the story!"

Kaien stopped at once. Renji sighed and ran a hand through his crimson hair. "First of all...do you know what amnesia is?"

Kaien shook his head. Of course he didn't. What eight-year-old knew anything about amnesia? "Okay then...amnesia is when you...well, you don't know anything about yourself. All your memories just...go away." Kaien cocked his head, interested. "And your mom...she has it. She has amnesia. She doesn't know who she is, or who anyone else is."

"What happened?" Shit.

"Your dad never told you how your mom died? I mean," Renji backtracked quickly, "how he thought she died?"

Kaien shook his head again. Of course. Ichigo couldn't make life easy for Renji. The Soul Reaper shook his head, trying to figure out the best way to soften the harsh story. "She was...hurt, doing something. She was hurt really badly. And your dad...thought it killed her."

"What was she doing?"

Dammit. No one could make life fucking easy for Renji, could they? And Kaien...he was still watching the Soul Reaper, waiting for an answer. How could Renji tell this small boy that his mother had risked everything, just to save him? "She was...she was doing what she thought was right. She was fighting to save someone she loves very much."

"Dad?"

Renji wanted to say yes. He wanted to say Rukia almost died trying to save Ichigo. But it would have been an insult to all of them. "No, not Ichigo. You, Kaien. Rukia...Rukia was trying to save you. She cared about you that much, she was willing to die to save you."

Kaien looked as though he didn't know what to make of this. He blinked a couple of times, as if trying to take in the information the information he had just learned. Before Renji could say anything to comfort the boy, a car pulled up in the driveway outside. "Shit." Renji hissed. "Ichigo. Listen," he turned to Kaien, speaking quickly now, "you can't say anything about this to your father, not about what I just told you, or that I was here. It has to be a secret for now."

A car door slammed. "Can I tell him soon?"

"No. I'll tell him though. As soon as the time is right, I'll tell him."

A key was playing in the lock to the door. "Is there a window open upstairs?"

"In my room-" the door was opening now. Renji darted upstairs, found an open window, and flew out it just as a familiar voice downstairs said,

"Hey Kai. How's it going?"

* * *

Kaien laid in bed, his hands tucked under his head, his bright violet eyes focused intensely on the ceiling. He was still thinking about what that man – Renji – had told him. What he had said about Kaien's mom...how she had been trying to protect him, Kaien. How she had been willing to die to protect him... 

Was it the truth? Was it really Kaien's fault his mother was no longer there? And if it was...why hadn't anyone told him? Did everyone else know? Was he the only one that didn't know _he_was the reason his mother wasn't there? The reason his father looked so pained, so lost, so wounded? Was it all his fault? And _why_hadn't anyone told him?

Kaien sighed. He hated feeling like this. He hated the feeling that he had done something wrong. And he still had so many questions. Why had his mom been trying to rescue him in the first place? What had happened to him that had been so bad he _needed_ to be rescued? _Why _had it happened? Kaien had so many questions and so few answers. But he had a feeling he knew where he could get some.

"Dad?" Ichigo was laying on the couch, watching TV. He looked around at Kaien, who was standing in the door to the living room.

"Hey buddy. It's kind of late. What are you still doing up?"

"I was wondering-"

"Always dangerous." Ichigo laughed and pushed himself into a sitting position. "Come on, sit down. What were you wondering about?"

Kaien sat silently. He couldn't figure out the best way to phrase this question without making his father suspicious. "How did...how did Mom die?"

The words took Ichigo by surprise. "W-What? Why in the world do you want to know? I mean...does it really matter?"

"I just want to know."

He wanted to compare what his father told him with what Renji had said before. If the stories differed, either Renji was a fantastic liar, or Ichigo just didn't want to tell the truth. And though Kaien wasn't sure how thinking either of those things would help him, he still wanted to hear his _father _say something, as opposed to some stranger who pretended to know Kaien and his parents.

"Kaien, it's a long story, I don't think you want to hear it-"

"Yes I do," Kaien leaned forward, "Please Dad. Tell me. And tell the truth."

Ichigo looked floored. "The truth...the truth is, Kaien...your mother loved you. She loved you a lot. And I don't ever want you to forget that. But the truth is, she died trying to help you. She died...she died protecting you. She loved you so much. I told you once, she left because she loved you so much. It was the truth. She died...protecting you."

His version was a lot like Renji's. Just as soft, and just as much the same. Except for the word protect. That was the only difference between the two stories. Kaien swallowed deeply and leaned his head against his father's shoulder. So Renji had been telling the truth. That made Kaien believe him even more, that Rukia was really still alive.

_I wonder when she can come home..._

* * *

Renji didn't go right back to the Soul Society after his visit with Kaien. To be completely honest, he hadn't _felt_ like going back. He'd probably take the heat for it later, but he didn't care. He needed some time to clear his head. 

Renji trusted Kaien. He knew it was dumb, but the boy _was_ the son of Ichigo and Rukia, who were both very trustworthy. Renji knew Kaien wouldn't say anything about what he had learned about his mother. And in a way, it kind of made Renji mad. Why _couldn't_ the boy tell his father what he knew? Why should it be a secret?

Because the Soul Society was doing what it did best; meddling in other peoples' lives and screwing them up. And it pissed Renji off beyond belief.

By the time he finally did return, it was past midnight. Renji was sure he'd be alone on the streets.

"Hey, Renji!"

But of course, Renji was never right about anything. He sighed and looked around. Rangiku Matsumoto was running towards him.

"What?" he asked impatiently. It was late, he wanted to get home.

"Mind if I walk with you?" Rangiku asked mildly, "It's a nice night for a walk. And it's been awhile since the two of us chatted."

After making sure Rangiku wasn't drunk, Renji nodded his consent, and the two started walking. "So what's up?" Renji asked, not at all sure he wanted an answer. Rangiku was nosier than _ten_ Soul Societies.

"You and Rukia."

Renji nearly tripped. There were_ so _many implements could have been drawn from those three words. "I know you love her." Rangiku went on, not noticing Renji stumbling behind her, "But there's a lot you have to consider Renji – like the fact she has a boyfriend that would tear you limb from limb, and not to mention-"

"Rangiku!" Renji finally stuttered out, "I don't...I mean...yeah, maybe I love her, but I'm not dumb, I know the only reason she's even considering right now is because she doesn't know better, she doesn't know about Ichigo and Kai-"

"And that's another thing," Rangiku said sternly, "You're taking advantage of the poor girl in her time of need. It isn't right, and you know it-"

"Yeah, I do!" Renji said, eager to end this conversation, "Of course I do, I know Rukia's off-limits to me, I'm not dumb, and I certainly don't have a death wish-"

"You'd be surprised what we want subconsciously."

"Going back to Ichimaru are we?"

"Don't change the subject."

The lieutenants lapsed into silence. And finally Renji said, "Rangiku, I swear...the thoughts crossed my mind, but I would never...I'm not the one Rukia was in love with. And if – when – she gets her memories back, I won't be the one she loves. That's Ichigo. I'm no fool, I know that much."

Rangiku rested her hands on her hips and sighed. "I just don't want to see you get hurt, Renji. You deserve more than that."

Renji smiled gratefully as they approached his street. "Thanks Rangiku. I'll see you tomorrow"

He waved over his shoulder as he walked away. Rangiku looked after him, smiling sadly. She hadn't been lying; he deserved more than heart-break. And that was all Rukia Kuchiki would ever do for him. Rangiku shook her head. It seemed to be nature to want what hurts the most. She, Momo Hinamori, and Renji were all living proof of that.

* * *

**Author's Note –** I'm going to warn you now...there's going to be.../gulps/ RenRuki in the next chapter. Please note that I'll never ship that pair. But for this story, I felt an undying need to use it. Like, if Rukia ever _did _have amnesia, and Ichigo wasn't around, Renji _would _be the one she'd go to...you know? Anyways, Renji's visit to Kaien _does _actually play a part in the story as a whole, so don't think it's just some random thing. And...review please! - Sam 


	7. Forbidden

**Chapter 7** – Forbidden

Ichigo sighed as he leaned back on his pillow, staring at the ceiling. Kaien had been asking so many questions lately, Ichigo was no longer completely sure how to answer him. It was understandable, a young boy have questions about a mother he never knew. But why now? He hadn't cared so much when he was little, why was it so important _now_?

Ichigo closed his eyes, his head muddled. He had explained to Kaien, to the best of his abilities, the situation that revolved around Rukia's death. It was just too crazy for Kaien to even _begin _to understand, being the young boy that he was. And anyways, Ichigo just wasn't good at explaining things.

The orange-haired man shook his head, feeling thoroughly aggravated. When he had first found out Rukia was pregnant, he had expected things to be difficult. But this was just way too much. He hadn't expected to be raising his kid alone.

It just wasn't fair. Things had never been _simple _in Ichigo and Rukia's relationship. But they had been so much easier before all this happened.

_**-:-:-:-:-Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

"_Done!" Ichigo said happily, falling back on the bed. He was nearly crying from pure joy. Unpacking had been one thing. Putting it all away had been another entirely._

"_I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before," Rukia said as she fell down next to them. They were both exhausted. Ichigo wrapped his arm around her shoulders and drew her closer to him, still smiling._

"_I'm not one for a lot of work"_

"_No need to tell _me _your lazy. I know that"_

"_Ah...shut up," Ichigo smiled good naturedly as he socked her lightly over the head. She leaned against him, not even muttering an insult under her breath. She must have been tired if she couldn't even insult him. "So...now what?" he asked finally. She responded by turning her head up to face him and kissing him. It didn't take long for the kiss to deepen. Ichigo waited subconsciously for Rukia to push away, but it never happened. Finally, right as her hand was creeping along to try and find the hem of Ichigo's shirt, he pushed away himself. She moaned just a little._

"_Ichi-"_

"_Are you sure?" he cut her off. She narrowed her violet eyes at him, looking a little aggravated. "What? I just don't want to-"_

_"Ichigo?"_

"_What?"_

_"I'm sure"_

_No more was said for after that. Almost an hour later, after gently making love, Ichigo and Rukia were laying next to each other bed. Rukia was sleeping. Ichigo was not. She had fallen asleep facing him, and he was looking into her relaxed, peaceful face. It was weird, to think about how tense, skittish she was when she was awake. When she slept, nothing bothered her. Sometimes Ichigo liked it better when she slept. When she slept, she was at peace. It was a peace she deserved all the time._

_But, like most good things, it didn't last long. Rukia began twisting in her sleep, her face contorted into a look of fear. She curled into a tight ball, shivering a little. Ichigo knew better than to interrupt the dream, even though he so desperately wanted to. But he had learned before that it was better to let her wake up on her own. He still hated it though. He hated seeing her in so much pain and fear. True, the nightmares weren't as bad as when everything had first happened (those had her waking up screaming), but they were still bad enough._

_Finally, five painful minutes later, Rukia darted up in bed, looking pale and shaken. "You all right?" Ichigo asked in a low voice, sitting up. She nodded and pulled the blankets tightly over her small, naked body. Ichigo sighed as he watched her. He was beginning to wish they hadn't done anything. She was obviously uncomfortable. After a second he reached over and rested a careful hand on her shoulder. She flinched a little and he pulled away._

"_Sorry," she muttered in a low voice. Ichigo scowled._

"_For what? Idiot"_

_That, of course, earned him a smack over the head. Well, he probably deserved it. But he didn't say anything. If there was one thing he had learned in the four years of dating her, it was that when she got like this (jumpy and nervous) it was better to just leave her be._

_Ichigo had also learned something that should have been obvious right from the start; it wasn't easy, dating a rape victim. Mostly it was okay, but it was the few, rare times that she just lost it that made things difficult. Especially when she had a panic attack. She had only had one really bad one, but it was enough to frighten Ichigo. He would never let it hurt their relationship though._

"_Sorry," she looked over at him in surprise._

"_For _what

"_For whatever you're sorry for"_

_They both smiled a little at that, and Rukia finally relaxed, leaning against Ichigo's chest. "It'll get easier," she muttered after a few minutes of silence._

"_What will?"_

"_Everything"_

_**-:-:-:-:-End Flashback-:-:-:-:-**_

But of course, nothing got easier. It just got harder, like it always seemed to. It was the story of Ichigo's life. Nothing would ever easy.

_So much for 'it'll get easier,' huh Rukia? _He thought bitterly, rolling over onto his side, _As always, you were wrong. And you're not even here so I can rub it into your face_

* * *

Renji leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands. He was tired. But somehow, he knew he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon. He had too many damn things going through his head. At the moment, the most pronounced of those things were what Rangiku had said to him. He knew perfectly well Rukia was off-limits. Did she have to remind him?

_Whap!_

"Ow!" Renji looked around, ready to yell at whoever had just slapped him in the back of the head, "I oughtta...oughtta..."

He faltered as he stared up into the cold violet eyes of Rukia Kuchiki. "R-Rukia," he finally stuttered out, "What are you...how did you get here?"

"You'd be amazed by how it easy it is to get out of the house," she said sarcastically, sitting down next to him, "And I walked, obviously. Genius. I remembered where your place was"

Considering her short-term memory issues, this in itself was astounding. "Why'd you hit me?" he asked, annoyed, rubbing the spot she had slapped.

"Because I tried getting your attention three times and you didn't answer," she said simply, leaning back and looking up at the stars. "Beautiful night"

"Yeah," Renji agreed, though he wasn't looking at the stars. He was looking at Rukia. At the pure innocence that glowed in her eyes. At the way she seemed to know everything was wrong, but just didn't care. It was amazing, to think about how much of a difference there was between a Rukia with her memory and Rukia without it.

"Something interesting about me?" Rukia asked, glaring at him.

"More than you'll ever know," he didn't mean for the words to slip out. But they did. She stared at him. And he knew he had made a mistake.

"Renji..."

A small shiver went up Renji's spine. He remembered how, at one time, just looking her in the eye had been enough to make him feel as if he was on fire. He had learned to live with it though, and after awhile it had stopped. Especially considering she _had _loved Ichigo. But now...now everything was different.

This was, Renji was sure, what Rangiku had been trying to warn him of.

"Erm...Rukia..."

Renji inhaled sharply, trying to ignore how close he and Rukia suddenly seemed. Her arm brushed against his. Another shiver went through Renji, and not just his spine this time. This time it was his entire body. And again, he noticed how close they were.

"Rukia, I don't think...I mean..." why was this suddenly becoming so hard? All he had to do was say no. No...

But he couldn't say anything. Or maybe he just didn't want to.

And when Rukia's lips met his, Renji was quite sure he would, when the time finally came and he died, be going straight to hell.

The kiss didn't last for long. As much as Renji treasured it...it was just wrong. And he knew it. But he couldn't resist it for just a minute. But finally he couldn't take it anymore. He rested his hand on Rukia's shoulders and pushed her away. She looked up at him in surprise.

"R-Renji...?"

"I'm sorry Rukia," he muttered, looking away, "But...even though you don't know it now, it's just not right. I'm sorry if I...mislead you"

She looked up at him, her eyes filled with surprise and maybe even a little hurt. Renji sighed as he stood up and held out his hand. "Come on. I'd better get you home. Your brother will flip if he finds out you're gone"

She looked at his hand sadly before taking it and allowing herself to be pulled up. And all Renji could do as he brought Rukia home was kick himself for letting this golden chance go to waste.

"Surely you have better places to be then this run-down old shack"

Once Renji had gotten Rukia home he had seen only thing he could do. And that was go out drinking. Wasn't it just his luck though, that he _had _to run into Rangiku?

"What's up?"

"Right back at you Renji," Rangiku took a seat across the table from the crimson-haired Soul Reaper, "Don't usually see you around here. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing more than usual, I guess," Renji said, feeling just a little annoyed. He didn't really feel like talking to Rangiku, hearing her say, 'I told you so.'

"I told you to watch your step with Rukia"

"What the hell-"

"It was just a guess," Rangiku said calmly, swishing her drink around in her glass. "So? What happened already? Unless you just want me to get you drunk enough that you'll tell me everything anyway. But to be quite honest, I don't think you want that"

He really didn't. So he told her the story, right up until the part with the kiss. When he finished, Rangiku looked torn between shocked and disapproving. "Renji Abarai!" she said when he had finished, "What were you thinking?! Do you have any idea-"

"I have a lot of ideas, thank you Rangiku," Renji muttered under his breath, running a hand through his hair. "I have an idea that Ichigo will murder me if he ever finds out about this. I have an idea that I'm going to burn in hell for every bad thing I've done. And I have an idea that I deserve it. So please, Rangiku, don't remind me!"

"All right, I was just making sure," Rangiku said, sipping her drink, "You're in over your head Renji. Do you have an idea about _that_?"

"Yeah. Unfortunately, I have an idea about that too," Renji shook his head, "I'm such an idiot Rangiku. Everything's so screwed up. And I can't fix it"

"Have you tried?"

Renji sighed and launched into his story about going to the living world and visiting Kaien. Rangiku listened, intrigued. "You're lucky you didn't get caught," she said when he had finished, "You could get into a lot of trouble for defying orders"

"Those orders are eight years old. Do they still apply?"

"Who knows?" Rangiku shrugged, "But do you really want to find out the hard way? Just don't get caught"

"Yeah, yeah," Renji sighed, "So...what do you think I should do, oh-wise-one? You have all the answers, don't you?"

"I wish," Rangiku said with a laugh, "If I had all the answers, I'd know how to get Momo and Captain Hitsugaya together. But I suppose the answer to this is a little more obvious. You know what you have to do already, don't you Renji? You've already started, after all"

Renji thought about this for a second. He had already started? Oh. Right. He had gone to Kaien Kurosaki. Rangiku was right. Renji really hated that.

"Know what you're going to do?" Rangiku asked, smiling slightly.

"You're right. I've known all along," he stood up to leave, "Thanks Rangiku"

Rangiku watched his retreating back and sighed. As sad as it was, the man was madly in love with Rukia. Nothing Rangiku said or did would ever change that. Even if she gave in, and admitted her own love to him...he'd still love Rukia. There was no point in hurting herself for a lost cause.

But Rangiku had to admit, as she sipped her drink, that didn't make the pain any less sharp. It didn't help the dagger in her heart. It just twisted a little more.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Wanna hear a funny story? I planned on updating _last night_...but computer time took a backseat to reading my way through the first two books in the _Twilight _Series. I just finished _New Moon _/sighs contently/ and I fell even deeper into the dark trap. So everything kind of got put off. Anyways...I'm wrapping this story up soon, not that many people will care, I'm sure. Three more chapters and then an epilogue. But will it be a little better if I tell you I'm planning another story? Nothing big, but nothing I can talk about right now because it'll spoil the end of this. So anyways...review! - Sam


	8. Reunion

* * *

"_Somebody help me. Please. I need to know who I am. Please. Somebody just help me"_

* * *

**Chapter 8 – **Reunion

Kaien bounded into the house, grinning and waving a piece of paper. "Dad! _Dad_!"

Ichigo rushed out of the kitchen, his eyes wide with surprise and fear. "What, what is it?" he expected to hear something about evil spirits, or hollow attacks, or...

"Lookit, lookit!" Kaien thrust the paper into his father's hands. Ichigo took it. It was Kaien's report card. Ichigo sighed with relief. At least it wasn't anything bad. His eyes skimmed down the grades. A's and B's.

"That's great Kaien." Ichigo smiled as he ran a hand through son's spiky black hair. "Really great buddy, good for you."

Kaien pouted. "You don't care, do you?"

"Of course I do!" Ichigo protested. "Sorry, my mind isn't here today, but I'm proud of, you really I am. I know you work hard for your grades and that's good."

Kaien smirked. "Yeah right. I can tell you're so happy for me."

_Stop looking so much like your mother, _Ichigo silently begged, _Stop being so much like her, stop...stop looking at me like that, please._

"I am, don't worry." Ichigo ruffled Kaien's hair, "Well, as long as you're going for being smart, why don't you go upstairs and start your homework?"

Kaien's smirk became a smile. "Yeah, all right, I'm going." He grabbed his bag off the floor and bounced up the stairs, taking two at a time. Ichigo smiled after the boy, but still wished he didn't look so much like Rukia. It killed him sometimes.

* * *

_She was steadily rising into the air, her bright white robes flowing around her, tickling her bare feet. The ground below her was dotted with people, all who seemed to be watching her intently, waiting for something to happen..._

_Then bright flames filled the sky, taking on the shape of a great bird. It's giant wings flapped, spitting of small embers...the wind was blowing, her hair was flying, the fiery bird was coming closer, she closed her eyes, waiting for impact..._

_But it never came. And after a few moments had passed, she opened her eyes, slowly at first, then fully, and found herself looking up into amber eyes..._

_And a voice said, "Hey."_

Rukia bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. The voice was ringing in his head, over and over, just that one word, that one _hey_. It was just a _hey_. But it was driving her completely insane. "Damn it," still wrapped up in her thin blanket, Rukia drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, and rested her forehead on her knees, burying her face in the blankets. "Damn, damn_, damn._"

Rukia would have given _anything _to remember. She would have liked nothing more than to just wake up one morning with all of her memories in tact. She wanted to know who the orange-haired boy was that haunted her dreams, why sometimes she dreamed about a man who was dangling off a sword that _she _was holding. She wanted to know _who she was_.

"Damn it," she muttered again, "Somebody help me. Please. I need to know who I am. Please. Somebody just help me"

* * *

Ichigo sighed as he logged off his screen. Another day of work finished. Thank God. "I'm out of here!" he called, standing up. He looked down at his watch. "Damn it!" he swore furiously as he grabbed his coat and bolted. If he didn't hurry, Kaien would get home before him. And Kaien didn't like being home alone.

"_Yes_." He hissed triumphantly as he pulled into the driveway and clambered out of the car. When Kaien beat him home, he was always sitting on the doorstep (unless he went to Souken's). But the doorstep was empty. "Damn." Ichigo muttered as he let himself into the house. "Oh well, he'll probably be home in about an hour..."

"Hey Dad!" at that moment, Kaien bounded out of the living room. Ichigo blinked.

"What the...Kaien, why are you-"

"You really should lock your door when you're not home, you never know what kind of weirdo could walk in." Ichigo stopped. He blinked. He opened his mouth, closed it, and blinked again. Then he opened his mouth. And he exploded.

"What the _hell _are you doing here?!"

Kaien blinked and looked up at his father, confused. "Dad? Is something wrong?"

Renji Abarai snickered as he watched Ichigo gape like a fish out of water. "What's wrong, Ichigo? If I didn't know better, I'd say you're not happy to see me"

"_Why_ would I be happy to see you, exactly?"

"Because I hold the key to putting your life back together." Ichigo blinked again. Renji had never said a more cornier thing in his life, Ichigo was sure. But there was something haunting in the words. Ichigo looked over at his son.

"Kaien?"

"Yeah Dad?"

"Go to your room."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No." Ichigo assured the boy. It was obvious he was worried he had done something to make his father mad. "It's okay. I need to have a word alone with uh..._him_." He jerked his thumb at Renji. "Just go to your room."

Kaien, hearing the seriousness in his father's voice, shrugged, picked his bag up, and jumped his way up the stairs. "He's got a lot of energy." Renji said with a smirk, standing up (he'd been sitting on the couch), "Cute kid. Looks a lot like Rukia doesn't he?"

"What do you want Renji?" Ichigo wasn't in the mood for games

"Long story short, I want _you _to come back to the Soul Society," Ichigo opened his mouth to shout, then closed it, then opened it again.

"Why in the world would I _ever _go back _there_?"

"Because someone you want is there―"

"There's only person I want―"

They both spoke at the same time. "It's Rukia"

Ichigo froze. His mouth was still open. "Do you have any idea how stupid you look?"

Ichigo's mouth snapped shut. Then he opened it again. Renji needed someone to yell at him. "What the _hell_ kind of joke is this?!"

Renji sighed wearily and held his hands up. "Look, Ichigo, I need you to _not _go nuts and try and kill me when I tell you what I'm about to tell you."

"Talk fast and talk now and _maybe_ I won't kill you."

Renji ran a hand through his crimson hair. "All right. What would you say if I told you that...Rukia's alive?"

"I_ think _I'd say it's time to up your medicine dosage."

Renji nodded, "Yeah. Sounds like something you'd say." He scuffed at the floor. "Well, believe me or not, it's true. Rukia's alive. She's _been _alive for the past eight years."

For a second all Ichigo could think was that this was _one sick joke_. But he could see the seriousness in Renji's eyes. "What are you going on about?" Ichigo asked finally, trying to keep the disbelieving not out of his voice, and failing. "Start explaining, _now._"

Renji took a deep breath. "Listen closely. You remember how you left the Soul Society _right after _you got Kaien back? I mean, you didn't stick around for anything, you just assumed Rukia was dead...and I don't really blame you, after what happened, I mean, the place exploded, but..."

"But _what_?"

Renji looked as if he was struggling. "We...we found her under some rubble. She was alive, _barely_. To be honest, no one expected her to live, I mean, we brought her to the fourth division, and Captain Unohana said she'd do everything she could to _save_ Rukia, but...her chances were slim. Really, _really _slim.

"But you know Rukia. She's too damn stubborn for her own good. Or maybe she's just stubborn enough. Either way, it kept her alive. Well, it kind of kept her alive. She slipped into a coma. After that there was no change. No one expected anything after that. I mean, we hoped but...really, hope can be false sometimes. Rukia seemed intent on proving us wrong though. But it took her three years."

"She was in a coma for _three years_?"

"Give or take a few days." Renji said with a nod, "Problem is, when she woke up, she didn't... remember anything. Her first words were 'who am I?'. Imagine that."

"Amnesia"

"Yeah." Renji looked grim. "That was five years ago. Problem is, she _still _doesn't remember anything. We've been trying to help her but...nothing doing."

"And the reason no one thought to_ me _in about this is..." Ichigo was ready to explode. His fists were clenched and he was shaking with anger.

"The Soul Society's been calling the shots in Rukia's life." Renji said. "They've been deciding on what she needs to know and what she doesn't need to know. And they decided―"

"She doesn't need to know about _me_?!"

"Pretty much," Renji sighed, "Look, Ichigo – whoa, hey, wait!"

Ichigo grabbed Renji by his robe and flung him against the wall, pinning him by the throat. "What gives the Soul Society the right to screw with someone's life like that?!"

"Nothing, nothing!" Renji choked out/ "Look, I didn't call this, the higher-ups did, I don't agree with it at all, that's why I want you to come back to the Soul Society!"

Ichigo blinked and pulled his hand away, letting Renji slide down the wall a little. "What can I do?" He asked, running a hand through his orange hair and flexing his fingers, willing himself not to take a swing at Renji. The temptation was strong though.

"It's been five years." Renji said. "We haven't been able to do anything to help her. But _you..._as much as I hate to say it, I think you could help her in a way we can't."

Ichigo ran a hand through his hair, confused. "The Soul Society doesn't know you're here, do they Renji?"

"Not really"

Ichigo sighed. What choice did he have? If Renji was telling the truth, and Rukia was really alive...

"Tell me what to do"

* * *

"_What_?!" Orihime's shriek nearly blew out Ichigo's eardrum. "What do you mean '_alive'_?!"

A short boy with dark orange hair and shining black eyes peeked around the corner, "Mom? Is something wrong?"

"What?" Orihime blinked and looked around, "Oh, no Souken. Nothing's wrong."

"Hey Souken!" Kaien waved eagerly at his friend.

"Hey Kai." Souken said with a grin. "Mom, can Kaien and I play outside?"

"Sure." Orihime still looked dazed. "Kaien's going to be staying here for a few days, by the way."

"Thanks Orihime." Ichigo said, ruffling Kaien's hair. "All right buddy." He got down eye level with the boy. "I'm going away for a little while, you're staying with Aunt Orihime and Uncle Uryu. Is that okay?"

"I wanna go with you." Kaien said with a pout. Ichigo smiled sadly and pulled Kaien into a hug. The small boy held his father tightly.

"I know you do. I'm sorry, but I have to go alone. I'll be back really soon though, I promise."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, definitely." Ichigo smiled. "Be good, all right?"

"I will," Kaien nodded, and Ichigo stood up. "Hey Dad?"

"What's up kid?"

"Are you going to get Mom?" Ichigo's heart stopped. How did Kaien know? "I heard you and Renji talking―" how did Kai know Renji's name? "He told me once he knows where Mom is. Are you going to get her?"

Ichigo sighed, deciding now was not the time for questions. "God Kaien. I hope so;"

Kaien smiled. "All right. In that case, it's okay if you go."

Ichigo laughed and ruffled his son's hair. "Good luck." Kaien called after his father as he shut the door behind him. Ichigo stood on the doorstep, his hand still on the doorknob. He could hear Kaien and Souken talking inside.

"Ready?" Renji was leaning against a tree.

"One thing." Ichigo pulled a small green pill out of his pocket and popped it into his mouth. A second later he stumbled as he was ejected from his body.

"What the―?!" Kon jumped up, "What's―"

Ichigo grabbed Kon but the cuff of his shirt and pulled him forward, "Listen up. I'm leaving you in charge of my body for a week, maybe a couple, maybe more, I don't know. But if you screw me up _at all, _I swear I'll destroy you when I come back. Got it?"

"Y-Yeah." Kon nodded, stunned. It had been years since Ichigo had called on the Mod Soul for any kind of help. This was a very unexpected thing.

"Good. Take this," he shoved an envelope into Kon's hands, "and go to Urahara's. And _stay there_. Understand?"

"Got it."

"Good. Now go." Kon took off. Ichigo turned back to Renji.

"All right. Now I'm ready. Let's move."

* * *

Kaien watched with wide eyes as his father and Renji walked through a door that had appeared out of nowhere when the latter had stuck out a sword and turned it in midair. The young boy didn't know where they were going. But he knew that if his father was going to help his mother...than everything would be okay. "Good luck Dad."

* * *

Ichigo sighed as Renji led him through the grounds of the Kuchiki house. "I swear Renji, if this is a joke I'm gonna rip out your―"

"Leave my body intact 'cause there she is." Ichigo froze. It was her. She had just left a room and was walking down the hall. Without thinking, Ichigo dove around the corner. Her back was to him, luckily. "Coward." Renji snickered, "Oi, Rukia!"

Ichigo peeked around the corner, just enough to see her. Rukia looked around. "Renji. I thought you had paperwork"

"Er...yeah." Renji shrugged. "I'll do it later. Look, I've got something...some_one _who may be able to help you."

"Oh really?" her voice was almost dead, "Listen, Renji―"

"No, _you_ listen." Renji broke in. "Look, I know this is hard on you, but hey, don't turn down help if it's being given to you, all right?"

Rukia sighed. "Whatever Renji. Just tell me what you want."

"Well, it's not what I want," without warning, Renji grabbed Ichigo and dragged him into view, "It's what _he _wants."

Ichigo's breath caught in his throat. Rukia stared at him for a second, his eyes narrowing. "Do I...know you?" She sounded torn between curious and confused. Ichigo felt as if his heart was breaking.

"I...My name's Ichigo." He said finally, "And yeah, you know me."

"You look familiar..."

Renji, seeing what this was doing to Ichigo, quickly cut in. "Ichigo played an important part in your life. I know you don't remember, but maybe if he was around it would help..."

Rukia looked between Ichigo and Renji, obviously confused. "Wait a second." Ichigo said suddenly, "What are we supposed to tell your higher-ups?"

Renji winced. He hadn't even thought about that. His last second decision to bring Ichigo into the Soul Society and seemed all right at the time. But now…

"I'm gonna be in a _lot _of trouble."

* * *

**Author's Note: **So Rukia and Ichigo have met again (_finally_), but will they stay together? We'll see…review! ― Sam


	9. Memories of Me

* * *

"_Right. You'd always find a way, huh?"_

* * *

**Chapter 9** – Memories of Me

There were mixed reactions to Renji's bold move. Some people (like Kiyone, Captain Ukitake, and Rangiku) were thrilled, though for very different reasons. Others…not so much.

"In my defense, no one ever said I couldn't bring Ichigo to the Soul Society." Renji pointed out, trying to ignore the looks he was getting from Yamamoto and Byakuya (they both looked ready to kill). "I was just told I couldn't tell him Rukia was alive. Him finding out for himself…that's a completely different story...you know?"

Yamamoto and Byakuya weren't buying the story. Ichigo glared at both of them, hating them a lot. _They_, along with the rest of the damned Soul Society, were the reason for the last eight years of pain. He hated them all.

"You had no right to keep me from her."

His voice surprised them all. He had been quietly attempting to control his temper, to keep from trying to kill the two captains in front of him for the role they had played in his and Kaien's pain. But he got annoyed with the quiet thing.

"It wasn't your decision to make." He went on, his voice barely controlled. "You have no idea…_no idea_…what Kaien and I have gone through…but then, you probably don't care either, do you? Say what you want here, decide you're going to take her away from me again, I don't care. I won't let you, understand? I'll fight every last captain and lieutenant this place has, and I'll win. You know I can. But I won't let you take her away again."

* * *

In the end, Renji and Ichigo weren't any trouble. Understandably enough, the Soul Society was pissed that Renji had gone and brought Ichigo back into the picture, but on the other hand, Renji had never been under orders _not_ to bring Ichigo, so he wasn't in any trouble for it. They also admitted (though grudgingly) that they weren't making any progress, and that maybe Ichigo being there was a good thing. It was also decided (to the grumbles of Ichigo and Byakuya Kuchiki) that Ichigo would stay at the Kuchiki house.

Ichigo, meanwhile, was trying to readjust to life with Rukia, but in a different way. Rukia with amnesia was a hard thing to live with. She asked a lot of questions ("How come I've never seen you before?" "Why have you popped up so suddenly?" "Do you dye your hair that color?" and so on), she always seemed so off and distant, and (most annoyingly) she never looked Ichigo in the eye. It was as if she was afraid of him.

"Well jeez, short girl, no memory, big guy barges in, claims to know her even though she's never seen him before...I'd probably be scared too, if I was in her position," Renji scoffed when Ichigo ran that by him.

"S'not my fault she's never seen me before," Ichigo grumbled, crossing his arms and pouting.

Ichigo tried to spend time with Rukia, but it hurt so much, being around her, knowing that she couldn't remember anything about him. She didn't know what he had meant to her, what she meant to him. It tore him apart inside, the time he spent with her, knowing it wasn't really _her, _but an empty shell that looked like her. Every time she spoke, it was some stranger, looking for information the real Rukia should have already known.

"How've you dealt with it?" Ichigo asked Renji one night, exasperated, "How, everyday, for the last five years?"

"It's not easy," Renji admitted, playing with the hilt of his Zanpakatou. "But I just have to remind myself, it's to help her. If we keep working with her, she'll remember, and everything will be okay again. That thought it really what keeps me going with her."

"What would you do if she _did_ remember?" Ichigo asked suddenly. Rukia wouldn't accept staying in the Soul Society and letting Ichigo go on thinking she was dead. Renji shrugged.

"Let her go back to you, I guess. If she remembered, she'd be more capable of making decisions for herself, wouldn't she?"

Ichigo understood that. And he understood that he was there now, helping her remember. He just wasn't sure how much longer he could deal with it. For eight years he dreamed about having Rukia back and alive and well. And now he had her back, but really, at the same time, she wasn't there.

It was all very confusing.

"Hey Rukia," the woman in question was sitting outside her room, her feet dangling a few feet off the ground. Her eyes were fixed on the bright blue sky, following a fluffy white cloud.

"You know what that cloud looks like?" she pointed.

Knowing it was going to be something ridiculous, Ichigo said in a resigned way, "No Rukia, what does it look like?"

"A rabbit," the cloud reflected in her violet eyes, "It looks like a rabbit to me, doesn't it look like a rabbit to you?"

"Why do you always ask ridiculous questions that don't matter to anything or anyone?" Ichigo asked, annoyed, dropping down next to her. She didn't answer, unsurprisingly. She didn't answer a lot of his questions, or anyone else's for that matter. "So what were you thinking about?"

"Oh, just this dream I had last night"

She had a lot of weird dreams, from what Renji had told Ichigo. Most of them were some kind of memories (though Ichigo doubted that the one where she had been chased down by giant rabbits was included in the memory scheme). "What was it about?" Ichigo asked finally.

"That's the funny thing, I really don't remember," she swung her legs mindlessly, "I mean, I know I should, but...it felt like nothing was happening, you know? I was in this place, there was someone talking...something about an execution date..."

Ichigo frowned. That wasn't one of the best things to remember, he supposed. Her brother sentencing her to execution. Not that she knew it was him, of course, but still...

"Isn't it weird, not knowing?"

"What do you mean?"

Ichigo tried to figure out the best way to put his thoughts into words. "You...I mean, you don't remember anything, you don't really _know _anything, you just blindly accept whatever Renji and your brother tell you-"

"And you"

"And me – wait, me?" Ichigo looked around in surprise, "Why me? I mean, you've known me for like, a week"

"No, I haven't," Rukia said calmly, swinging her legs harder still. She didn't look at him as she spoke, but continued watching the clouds. "I've known you a lot longer than a week, actually, I've known you for years. I just don't remember. If I did remember, though, I'm sure I'd trust you. So it's okay if I trust you now, right?"

Good lord. Such an innocence. She didn't remember, so she put her trust in people she thought she knew. It was almost crazy, the way she acted. It seemed insane to Ichigo, anyway. It'd be so easy for someone to take advantage of her...

"Hellooo, Ichigo?" she knocked him in the head with her knuckles. Ichigo grumbled as he slapped her hand away. She smirked as she pulled back. So she hadn't completely lost herself. She still enjoyed abusing people.

"So what were you thinking about just now anyway?" she swung her legs back and forth lazily, staring up at Ichigo with curious violet eyes. "Well?"

"I dunno...you, I guess"

"Me?" She cocked her head, "Well, I must be pretty interesting, if I can actually distract your thoughts like that. So what about me were you thinking about?"

"Never-mind," Ichigo said after a minute, "It's nothing, Rukia, forget about it. All right? Just...forget about it, it wasn't really anything, I mean...I dunno. It's confusing. Rukia, do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Does it matter if I mind? Ask away"

"If you ever remembered...what would you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's a fairly straight forward question"

"It's annoying though," she pouted, "I mean, what would I do? I'd try and make everything normal again, of course. I know the way things are now isn't normal. So if I ever remembered, I'd try and _make _them normal. Get it?"

"Yeah, got it," Ichigo muttered, "And that actually doesn't sound like too bad of an idea, actually. But how would you make them normal?"

"I'd find a way!" Ichigo smiled, just a little. She may have had amnesia, but Rukia would _always _be Rukia, memory or not. Fiery, stubborn, hyper-active Rukia.

"Right. You'd always find a way, huh?"

* * *

"How do you do it?" Ichigo muttered. "How do you manage, every day, to just act like everything is normal?"

"I told you already, it's not easy," Renji grumbled, looking up at the sky. He and Ichigo were walking down the hall of the Kuchiki mansion. "I mean, I look at her, and it's Rukia, but it's not. She's here, but part of her, a _big _part of her is missing. And sometimes...well, sometimes, it's a complete inconvenience, really"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know Captain Kuchiki and I are the ones that have been working with her most, right?" Ichigo nodded, "Well, it's hard. When I tell you she doesn't remember anything, I mean she doesn't remember _anything_. And Captain Unohana said it effected her short term memory as well. It seems like every other day she has to be reminded of who she is, who we are, _where _we are...it gets to be really hard, after awhile, you know? The only good thing is, ever since _you _got here, she seems to be doing a little better. She remembers everything a lot more easily, and we don't have to tell her everything every other day. But still, it's hard. Sometimes...well, it's hard, and maybe this sounds really selfish, but sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier for her to just...die"

Ichigo looked around, feeling a mixture of shock, amazement, and anger. Mostly that last part though. "What's that supposed to mean?! You _want _her dead?!"

"Of course fucking not!" Renji shot back, his eyes shining with anger and disbelief. He turned to glare at Ichigo. "Jeez, don't twist my words like that! I'm just saying, it might be easier, being dead instead of being alive and not knowing what the hell is going on, not knowing anything about herself or what's going on around her. You can't tell me you haven't wondered the same thing. You can't tell me you haven't wondered, now that you know the truth, what life would be like if you had gone on thinking she was dead"

Ichigo's words died in his throat. He didn't think he could bring himself to say it out-loud, but he _had _wondered, once or twice, what it would be like if Renji had never come to the living world, if he had just been left to himself, left with Kaien in the living world, left to raise his son and just...just be a normal father. Or as normal as he _could _be anyway.

"Maybe I've wondered," Ichigo grumbled in admittance, "Maybe...Maybe I've thought it _would _be easier if she was dead. But...but I don't know. It's so confusing. I just don't know anymore. You don't understand, do you Renji?"

"I think I do. Just a little better than you think"

* * *

Rukia leaned against the wall just around the corner from where Ichigo and Renji were talking. She had heard every word. Her head was spinning. She couldn't believe it...they would have been happier if she was _dead_. How _could _they? She had trusted them, hadn't she? Hadn't she put her faith in them, hadn't she given her life to them? What had it all been for? If they didn't give a _damn _about her, what did any of it matter?

Tears stung Rukia's violet eyes. She reached up to rub them away, but more came. God damn. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't help it. She felt so...so betrayed. How could they do this to her, how _could they_?

Unable to stay there anymore, Rukia whirled around and darted away, into the woods behind the Kuchiki house. How long she ran for, she was never quite sure. All she knew was she couldn't stay there anymore. She had to get away. Somehow, someway, she _had _to do get out of there. She couldn't take staying there, listening to Renji and Ichigo, her supposed _friends_. "Help me," she muttered as she ran, "Help me, _please_. I don't _want _this anymore, I want to _remember_, please, someone, anyone, help me remember!"

She screamed that last part to the sky. She couldn't do this anymore, she couldn't stand it, she needed an escape, _any _escape. And that escape came to her. But not in the way she would have wanted it to.

A sudden crash brought Rukia out of her reverie, and her head jerked up. And she found herself facing...a hollow? She was pretty sure that was what it was called. It was infuriating, not knowing for sure. But she was pretty sure it was called a hollow.

"Yah!" she dove out of the way of the hollow's pincer, rolling over strewn sticks and leaves. "Damn it," she muttered, pushing herself up, "I can't do this...I need the others..."

But then Renji and Ichigo's words repeated themselves in her head. They didn't want her around...what did she need them for? She could do this on her own.

"Oh _damn,_" she muttered, pushing herself up shakily after she dodged another blow. She couldn't do this. But she'd never admit it.

She stepped back, and but before she could do anything more though, the hollow appeared right behind her, and swung it's large pincer down. She didn't have time to dodge, and it sank deep into her left shoulder.

It felt as if someone had plunged a white hot dagger into her. She yelled in pain and her hand flew up to her shoulder as the pincer was pulled away. She sank to her knees, breathing hard. "God, oh God..."

The hollow cackled at the sight of her pain. And anger flooded through Rukia's body. Her violet eyes flashed dangerously as she stumbled up, and she held up her left hand. "Bastard..." she gasped, "Rot in hell," and she yelled the first thing that came to mind. "Bakudou thirty-three, pale fire _crash_!"

The attack shot off Rukia's hand and barreled right into the hollow's mask. The hollow's roar was short-lived as it disintegrated. Rukia's hand fell limply to her side as she staggered back, trembling. Blood was already streaming through her fingers. She had to get back...

* * *

Ichigo looked around as a short howl split the air. "There's a hollow somewhere"

"Sounds like someone's already taken care of it," Renji muttered, his hand playing with the hilt of his Zanpakatou. Ichigo nodded.

"Yeah. Sounds like. Have you...seen Rukia at all, today?"

"No. Why, have you?"

"No," Ichigo said, frowning. Where was she? He hoped she wasn't getting herself into too much trouble.

Ichigo and Renji sat in silence for five minutes, then Renji, by chance looked around, over Ichigo's head. And he swore loudly.

"Damn it, Rukia!"

Ichigo's eyes widened in surprise, and he whirled around. And the sight he saw nearly made his heart stop.

Rukia, her left side covered in blood, was leaning against the wall, her eyes closed, her face deathly pale. She was breathing hard. Her right hand was clutching her left shoulder tightly, and Ichigo could see blood slipping through her fingers. Ichigo felt the color draining from his face, and his mind went back to the hollow they had heard. She hadn't...had she? "Rukia!"

He moved towards her quickly. Rukia, hearing his voice, opened her eyes just a little and pushed herself off the wall. But before she had gotten far, her legs gave out from beneath her and she staggered forward. "Ichi...go..."

Her knees buckled, and Ichigo grabbed her. Both of them hit the ground together, Ichigo holding Rukia tightly in his arms. "I'll go get someone from the fourth division," Renji said. And he was gone. Ichigo cradled Rukia's small body carefully. She shook as she tried to speak.

"I-Ichi..."

"Quiet," he said, pushing a strand of hair out of her face and resting his hand over hers; it was still holding tightly to her shoulder. Before he could go on though, her eyes slipped shut with a shuddery sigh. Ichigo didn't let go of her. Where the hell was Renji?

* * *

**Author's Note**_** – **_Don't you guys just love me? /sees the evil glares of readers/ ah...remember that bomb shelter I built back in _What Happened Last Night_? I think I'll just retreat to that now...erm…review and let me know what you think. Be warned: next chapter's a bit of an emotional roller coaster. ― Sam


	10. All In Your Mind

* * *

"_Do you want to remember?"_

* * *

**Chapter 10 – **All In Your Mind

_Rukia stirred wearily and tried to sit up. The minute she put even the smallest bit of pressure on her left arm though, pain shot through her. She fell back with a yell, gripping her shoulder and wincing in pain. "What the hell..." she muttered as she squinted her eyes through the pain and looked around. She was surrounded by nothing but darkness, it was pressing in on all sides. What in the _world _was going on, where was she? "Hello?" she called in a voice choked with pain, "Is anyone there?"_

_No answer. After a minute she staggered up again, ignoring the searing pain in her left shoulder. "Oh God..." she mumbled breathlessly as she stumbled forward. She was confused, and just a little aggravated. "Now what do I do?"_

"_Hello Rukia. It's been awhile," Rukia jumped and whirled around so fast her head started spinning. And she found herself face to face with...a woman? She wanted to say that was what it was...but she had a feeling it wasn't._

"_Who...are you?"_

"_You don't remember," the woman didn't sound surprised, "Well, I can't say I expected much more. My name is Sode no Shirayuki, Rukia. Does that mane mean anything to you?"_

"_Not in the least," Rukia racked her brain, trying to remember if Ichigo or Renji or anyone had ever said that name before. But it certainly didn't sound familiar. "Do I know you?"_

"_Of course you do," Rukia waited, but the woman – Shirayuki – didn't say anything more about it. Rukia had to admit, it was kind of annoying._

"_I'm sorry," she finally said, "But even if I _do _know you, I certainly don't recognize you. Do you think you could explain a little more to me?"_

_But Shirayuki shook her head. "It's so sad, seeing you so broken. Your mind has been in shambles the last eight years. Sad"_

"_My...mind?" Rukia blinked, feeling utterly confused now. "What the...what in the world does my _mind _have to do with anything?"_

"_You still don't get it?" Shirayuki just sounded disappointed now. And Rukia? Well, Rukia was angry, understandably enough._

"_No I don't get it!" she shouted, frustrated. "I don't get it, I don't get anything, all right! If you know so much about me, you know I don't _know_ anything, why are you playing with me like this?! Is just some sort of sick satisfaction, or do you think it's fun, messing with me like this?!"_

_Shirayuki was silent through Rukia's entire rant. When the young woman had finally yelled herself hoarse and had contented herself to breathing hard and glaring at Shirayuki, she said, "Do you want to remember?"_

"_I...what?" Rukia blinked. That certainly wasn't the response she had expected. After all that, she had at least hoped to get a little bit of a rise out of the mysterious woman standing before her. And...what was that she had just said? "Do I want to remember? Of course I want to remember. Can you help? How?"_

"_Do you know what Zanpakatous are?" Shirayuki asked, "I know Renji told you about them once, do you remember?"_

"_Zanpakatous," Rukia repeated slowly. Shirayuki was quite right (though Rukia had no clue how she knew); Renji had mentioned them once. "He...he told me they're the swords that...Soul Reapers carry," she was kind of proud of herself for remembering all this, "They have different forms and stuff, and stages called...called...jeez, I don't remember," she bit her lip and looked away, trying to hide her aggravation now._

"_It's all right," Shirayuki said in a calm voice Rukia was quite sure she didn't usually use, "That's what I'm here for. To help you remember. And anyways, you got most of it. I guess all you really need to know, Rukia, is that I'm _your _Zanpakatou"_

"_You're...what?" _that _was something Renji and her brother had never mentioned. "_My _Zanpakatou? I'm a-"_

"_A Soul Reaper?" Shirayuki supplied the words, "Yes, very much so. It's no surprise Renji and your brother never mentioned that"_

"_What does...this have to do with anything, exactly?" Rukia was desperate to know where Shirayuki was going with all this._

"_What you forget, I still know," Shirayuki said simply, "In other words-"_

"You're_ my memories," Rukia managed to choke out, "But...but how...I mean, why...I mean...oh, I don't know what I mean, I'm confused!"_

"_Calm yourself, Rukia," Shirayuki said, "_This _is why you have such a hard time remember. Because you let yourself get flustered and confused, and you try too hard. You have to relax, let the memories come back to you. That's why you haven't remembered. Because everyone in the Soul Society has been pushing you to remember, and it frustrates you and makes it even more difficult. It muddles your mind and makes everything unclear"_

_Rukia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After a minute she opened her eyes again, feeling considerably calmer. "Then...what changed?"_

_"Ichigo Kurosaki," the orange-haired man. The one Rukia was now sure she had seen her dreams so many different times. But what did _he _have to do with anything? She voiced that question, and Shirayuki said simply, "He has to do with _everything_. Now. Are you ready to remember?"_

_But suddenly, Rukia wasn't so sure. The last five years she'd tried to remember, and now the opportunity was being presented to her, and she wasn't sure if she was going to take it. Things would be different, once she remembered, and she knew they would be. How could they not be? Once she really remembered Renji and Ichigo and her brother, once she really knew what those dreams of hers meant, things would change. But would they still be okay?_

"_Rukia"_

_Rukia gulped and nodded. "Y-Yes. I'm ready. Please. I want to remember. But...but I don't understand. How can I?"_

_A small smile played on Shirayuki's lips as she walked over to Rukia and touched a hand to the young woman's forehead. "It's all in your mind, Rukia Kuchiki"_

* * *

Ichigo barely heard a word the Fourth Squad Soul Reaper was saying. Something about the wound being deep but not life threatening, how she should try to not use that arm for a few days, and some other stuff. But Ichigo wasn't paying attention. All he could think about was Rukia. Rukia, in his arms, covered in blood, her face white, her body still. He'd almost lost her today. He had almost lost her _again_. And it had made him realize something; even if dealing with a Rukia who had no memory was hard, he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, as long as she was alive. He never wanted to go through the pain of losing her again.

"No, Captain Kuchiki's away on a mission," apparently the Soul Reaper had just asked if Byakuya knew what had happened, "He'll probably return tonight...he won't be happy when he finds out we let his sister wander around alone-"

"Screw him," Ichigo muttered, "He's not the one that's here taking care of Rukia today, we have more say in it than he does"

"You tell him that"

"I will," Ichigo looked into Rukia's room. Her left arm was bare, her shoulder wrapped tightly in a bandage. And she was stirring a little, her face twisted. She was waking up. Ichigo rushed into the room quickly and knelt down beside her, reaching out his large hand and brushing it against her smaller one. "Hey, Rukia. Can you hear me? Come on, wake up..."

She moaned a little and her violet eyes opened, slowly at first. "W-What..." she tried to speak, and coughed.

"Take it easy," Ichigo said as Renji said something about getting water and left. "It's all right, you're safe, just take it easy, all right?"

It took her a second, but then she managed to focus in on Ichigo. "Ichi...go..."

And then, all at once, her eyes snapped open, and she flew up, her face suddenly pale. "Hey!" Ichigo grabbed her shoulder and steadied her, "Didn't I _just_ say take it easy, idiot? You want to hurt yourself even more?"

But she didn't appear to have heard him. Her eyes were locked on the wall in front of her, and she was breathing hard, as if she had just run a mile. "Ichigo..." she managed to say, "I...I...oh God..."

She dropped her head into her hands, and Ichigo noticed she was shaking like a leaf under his grip. The Fourth Squad Soul Reaper was watching from the door with Renji. Both were obviously confused (and maybe a little scared). "Rukia," Ichigo said in a quiet-but-firm voice, "Rukia, talk to me. What is it, what's wrong?"

And she said two words that would ring in Ichigo's mind forever.

"I...remember..."

Ichigo thought the floor would give out beneath his feet. She _remembered_? How in the world did she remember? She looked up at him. Shocked amber eyes met confused, scared violet. "I remember, Ichigo. I remember... everything..."

Ichigo was beginning to realize why that was a good thing and a bad thing. And, out of instinct, he reached his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug. She collapsed into his grip and broke completely, tears slipping down her cheeks. And from the door, Ichigo heard Renji mutter, in an strangled voice, "Well...damn. What do you know?"

* * *

Half an hour later, Rukia was asleep again, under the influence of something the Fourth Squad Soul Reaper had given her before he left. Now Ichigo and Renji were sitting against the wall outside of Rukia's room, waiting for her to wake up again so they could find out just how much she really remembered. "She seemed scared about remembering," Ichigo spoke at last, "I mean...she was really terrified, you saw that. But why? If it was me, I'd be thrilled"

"Would you?" Renji asked, "Put yourself in her shoes, Ichigo. She hasn't exactly had an easy life. If I ever lost _my_ memory, I'd never want to remember. But that's just me. The point is, Rukia's had it a little rough, and remembering all that at once...and then among other things...like remembering the fact that she almost died trying to save her son...who by the way, she's also remembered would be about eight by now...which means she's missed a good part of his life...you see where I'm going with this?"

Ichigo nodded, feeling a little annoyed at Renji's all-knowing, sarcastic tone.. He hated when it seemed like Renji understood Rukia better than he did. _He_ was her boyfriend after all._ He_ should have known her better than anyone. But he supposed he would have to make exceptions for childhood friends. Even if it _was _Renji.

"You know what I don't get?" Renji was talking again, "Why did she all of a sudden remember _now_? What happened?"

Ichigo looked into the room again at Rukia's sleeping form. "Her shoulder"

"Huh?" Renji looked over at Ichigo, obviously confused, "What do you mean? What about her shoulder?"

"See the shoulder she hurt?" Ichigo pointed to her left shoulder, "It's the same one she hurt the night she gave me her powers. That probably had a lot to do with it"

"Is that all?" Renji asked, sounding bitter, "Jeez, if I'd known that, I woulda sliced her shoulder open years ago-"

"And what, have Byakuya kill you?"

"Hey, if it brought Rukia's memory back-"

"He'da still killed you"

"Well yeah. But it would have saved us a lot of trouble"

Both men sighed and leaned against the wall, their heads turned up to watch the sky. The sun was starting to set. Apparently Ichigo was going to be on his own for the night; Byakuya was going to be away all night, and Rukia, of course, was out like a light. Renji never stuck around, even when Byakuya wasn't there, so it was just Ichigo. Renji left about an hour after the sun set. And Ichigo continued to sit outside Rukia's room like a watchful guard dog. He watched the stars, his mind on nothing but Rukia, and about what Renji had said about her remembering being good and bad. Ichigo could definitely see the bad. He knew things about Rukia even Renji didn't know. He knew about Yukio, and about how Rukia had almost died right after Kaien was born...Ichigo knew a lot he certainly wouldn't want to remember. He could only imagine how Rukia felt about it.

A low moan drew Ichigo's attention back to reality, and to Rukia, who was stirring. Ichigo's heart skipped a beat as he scrambled up, and was at her side in a second, kneeling down next to her. "Hey," he muttered as she opened her eyes, "You all right?"

"Y-Yeah," she managed to say, her voice low. She pushed herself up with shaky arms. "My head hurts," she muttered after a minute. Ichigo ran a hand through her silky raven hair. He wasn't really sure how to act. What could he say, exactly? Nothing that wouldn't make him sound like a complete, moron. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Rukia couldn't seem to look at Ichigo. Her head was ducked down, her hair framing her face. And finally she said, "It was...bad, wasn't it?"

Ichigo was surprised. "What?"

"I don't...remember what happened," she said quietly, "But it was...it was pretty bad, wasn't it?"

Ichigo bit his lip, remembering what Renji had told him. _It was bad, _he wanted to say_, it was really bad. You almost died. You might have actually died. Renji might have just spared me that detail. But it was bad, Rukia_

"It wasn't...good," he said finally, deciding to spare Rukia the details. It wouldn't be good to throw so much her way at once. He could only imagine how...well, for lack of a better word, _unstable _her mind was at the moment.

"If it made you leave, it can't have been _good_"

Ichigo bit his lip. What could he tell her? That he had thought she was dead? Yeah, that would go over real well. "It's all right," she must have sensed his distress, "You couldn't wait, you shouldn't have had to"

_But I did_, he said silently, _Ask Kaien, he'll tell you. He'll tell you how there hasn't been a woman in the house that wasn't Orihime, Yuzu, or Karin. He'll tell you how I'm home every day at three on the dot, how I never leave unless he's with me, how I never even_ look _at another woman. I waited Rukia. Really I did._

Why couldn't he say that? She needed comfort, she needed to know that she was still the only person he had ever loved, whether she was there or not. But he couldn't bring himself to say anything that even resembled that. There was just nothing to say right then that sounded even remotely okay.

By chance his eyes happened to shift, and he saw that Rukia had crossed her arms over chest, her nails digging into them. She was actually drawing blood. And Ichigo realized that she was trying so hard not to cry. It killed him, seeing her like that. "Hey," he said in a low voice, reaching over and prying her hands away, "Don't do that," when she didn't respond he went on, trying to keep his voice strong. "I know it's hard for you, trust me I know. But..." the words died in his throat. He'd had something to say, but now it felt as if he couldn't say it. When had he become worried about saying something to Rukia of all people?

"I missed a lot," he barely noticed that she was talking again. When he finally noticed, he noticed that it was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah, but it's been eight years, what do you expect?"

She groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Eight years...I'm sorry"

The words surprised Ichigo. "For _what_?"

"For...for I don't know what!" she sounded frustrated, "For everything, it's just so...I don't know!"

Her entire body was shaking now. Ichigo couldn't take it anymore. He reached over and wrapped his arms around her. She didn't even flinch. "I'm sorry I left," he muttered, resting his chin on top of her head, "I shouldn't have, but I didn't know...I'm sorry"

She rested her head against his chest, still shaking, and for a minute it felt like old times. Ichigo sighed deeply. It felt good to have her back in his arms again.

And he swore silently that he would never leave her again. No matter what.

* * *

**Author's Note: **So...I'm between going to the epilogue for the next chapter, or attempting to write about what happens when everyone finds out Rukia remembers everything. At the moment, I'm leaning slightly towards the second option. Opinions? Review please! - Sam


	11. Together

* * *

_"Don't you…_want _to go home?"_

* * *

**Chapter 11 ― **Together

"So what are you going to do? You can't force her to stay here if she doesn't want to, you know. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want. What if she decides she wants to go back with me?"

Byakuya was set to kill. And if Kurosaki didn't stop the damn onslaught of questions well then…the noble man _hoped _his sister wouldn't hold him responsible for any actions he might be forced to take. The orange-haired man had been following Byakuya around the sixth division _all day_, trying to talk. And Byakuya, for the first time in _ever_, wished Ichigo would just go to Rukia and be with _her_. One would think Ichigo _would _want to be with Rukia, considering what had happened the night before. But no. The younger Soul Reaper had decided that following Byakuya around and annoying the hell out of him was a better course to take.

_Damn _the laws that prevented Byakuya from killing the orange-haired man.

"If Rukia decides she'd rather go home with you then stay here, then of course I can't deny her." Byakuya said as calmly as he could manage. "Now that she's in a more coherent state, I can't deny her what she wants. If she chooses she would rather return to the world of the living, then no one can stop her. Now, Kurosaki, if you would be so kind…get the _hell _off my division."

Ichigo, satisfied with Byakuya's answer, _finally _left. Byakuya sighed impatiently. He'd thought the man would _never _leave.

* * *

"There you are." Rukia looked around as Ichigo's voice reached her ears. She had been sitting outside her room, staring out the small pond the porch overlooked. Her mind was completely muddled. She was trying to sort out everything the last twenty-four hours had thrown at her. It wasn't working.

"Ichigo…"

The orange-haired man sat down next to Rukia. He wanted so badly to hold her…but the way she looked right now, he wasn't sure how she would handle it.

"What've you been up to?" She asked him after a minute. "I haven't seen you since this morning."

"I went to have a chat with your brother." He said simply, deciding not to throw in the fact that he had been stalking Byakuya since the two had left the house, aiming to drive him insane (and succeeding, if he did say so himself).

"I hope you didn't bother him too much." Rukia said, a chastising tone taking over her voice.

"Of course I didn't." He said airily. "Anyways, enough about me. What've you been up to all day? Been lonely?"

Renji, no longer having to play as a caretaker for Rukia, had finally been allowed to return to his post at the sixth division. Ichigo had a feeling he was a little disappointed by this. That small fact really pissed Ichigo off.

"Not too much." Rukia shrugged. "I actually like being alone better, right now. I needed some time alone, to think."

"I can imagine." Ichigo said in a low voice. To give his arms something to do, he crossed them over his chest.

"So tell me what's going on back home."

Ichigo smiled, noticing how she referred to the living world as _home_. "Oh, you know, same old…there's a few stories, but they're long―"

"_You_ going anywhere?"

Ichigo scowled. "All right…good point. Uryu and Orihime got married."

"That's no surprise."

"They have a son. He's about a year younger than Kaien." Rukia, Ichigo noticed, winced at the name. He ignored it. "His name's Souken, you know, after Uryu's grandfather. Kid's got Uryu's brains, that's for sure. He's in the same grade as Kaien ― he skipped a grade. And he's _still _top of his class."

"That's Uryu's son all right."

"In a nutshell." Ichigo laughed. "Karin and Chad hooked up."

Rukia nearly fell off the porch. "_Karin _and _Chad_?" She repeated in disbelief. "Are we talking about the same people _I _know?"

Ichigo laughed shortly. "That was my first reaction too. I wasn't overly thrilled about it ― you know, stopping to consider the age difference and everything. But he makes her happy, so…" Ichigo shrugged. "I guess I can deal with it. Yuzu's still the responsible little nurse-maid, she's living on her own now but she still works at the clinic. Dad's trying to convince her to stop working so much and find a boyfriend, but…she won't hear it. You know how responsible she is."

Rukia laughed a little. Ichigo knew they were both avoiding the most important topic, and he knew she liked it that way. He kept going. "Tatsuki's still dutifully single as well. She _had _a boyfriend, but he bailed when he found out she was pregnant. Great guy. I offered to kick his ass for her, but she said if she wanted to do, she could do it just fine on her own. Her kid just turned eight. Girl named Emi."

"Tatsuki deserves better than that." Rukia said in a low voice. Ichigo nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. But her and Orihime are still each other's rocks, so she's dealt okay. And of course she's still got everyone else." Ichigo shrugged. "Let's see, who else…Keigo finally got a girlfriend."

"About time." Rukia said, remembering how the hyperactive boy had made a habit of hitting on her whenever he got the chance. Ichigo laughed at that.

"You aren't kidding. We were all happy, and I guess they're really serious. So it's all okay for him."

It wasn't so okay for Ichigo. He'd run out of people to tell her about. Luckily, she made the next topic easy to touch on.

"And…Kaien?"

Ichigo sighed. "He's…great. More than great, really. He's amazing. He asks a lot of questions, of course, any kid his age would. And they're always about you. And somehow, even with everything I ― and everyone else for that matter ― told him, he still believed you were alive. I wish I'd had his optimism. I would have come for you a lot sooner."

The bitter note in his voice was too much for Rukia to ignore. "Ichigo―"

"I just can't believe they'd do that. I can't believe they would just _hide _this from me ― I don't know what's stopping me from going and hacking everyone to bits."

"I am." Rukia said firmly, resting her hand on his clenched fist. "No hacking everyone to bits."

"Not even a little?" Ichigo asked, sounding a little disappointed.

"No. Not even a little." Rukia said, smiling despite himself. Ichigo look _very _let down by this.

"All right, all right, I won't hack anyone. What about slice and dice, can I do that?" Rukia wasted no time in slapping Ichigo as hard as she could over the head.

"No bodily harm of any kind. Understand?"

"Well, you're certainly no less merciful then you used to be." Ichigo grumbled, rubbing his head. "All right, all right, no bodily harm of any kind, I promise. Can I at least hold a grudge?"

"If you must." Rukia sighed, pretending to sound annoyed. "Hold a grudge until your hair turns gray ― and trust me, we're counting down the days."

"Very funny."

Ichigo was enjoying this. This was okay, this was normal. This was what he was used to. This nitpicky, insulting conversation-like discussion they always had. This wasn't touching upon uncomfortable topics that made both of them want to run for the hill. It felt so nice.

His only wish was that it could last.

"Come on." Rukia jumped up suddenly, surprising Ichigo. Where had the burst of energy come from. "Let's go."

She grabbed his hand and dragged him up. "Go…where?"

"Thirteenth division. Last time I was there I didn't make a good impression. I need to make up for it."

"O…kay…"

And he allowed himself to be hauled to the thirteenth division. Kiyone, who was standing outside the entrance, looked up in surprise. Her face split into a grin.

"_Rukia_!" She sprang forward, wrapping the raven-haired woman in a tight hug. "I heard about…oh I'm so happy you finally remember!"

"­_W-What_?" Rukia stuttered out. "Who told you?"

"Isane!"

"Who told her?"

"Lieutenant Matsumoto."

"Who told _her_?"

"Lieutenant Hinamori."

"Who told―"

"Lieutenant Kira, who was told by Lieutenant Abarai." Sentarou had just come outside as well. "Kiyone stop suffocating her."

Rukia quickly traced the line back. Isane, Rangiku, Momo, Izuru, Renji. Rukia made a mental note to _kill _the last one.

"Big-mouth."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing."

The visit to the thirteenth division was a great idea, if Rukia did say so herself. It didn't take long for Kiyone's excitement spread quicker than wild fire, and before long even people who didn't _know _Rukia were happy to see her. Ichigo was pleased to see the smile that crossed Rukia's face as she chatter casually with Kiyone, Sentarou, and even her captain, who had been overjoyed to find out one of his best subordinates was back to herself ― more or less. Ichigo stood off to the side, watching the members of Squad Thirteen and their reunion, happier then he could _ever _remember being.

"I didn't know you were so popular." Ichigo said with a laugh as they left the division almost three hours later. The sun was setting now.

"There are many layers to me you'll _never _understand." Rukia said, a hint of her old confidence back in place. Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"_Please_." Ichigo scoffed. "I've never met anyone more obvious than you in my entire life."

"You just _think _you know me, Ichigo."

The banter was light, playful, normal for the two of them. They were once again avoiding topics they knew _needed _to be discussed, but they didn't _want _to. Neither of them were ready for it.

* * *

"I don't think she's ready for that Ichigo. Give her time why don't you?"

"She's had five years. How much more _time _does she need?"

"Would you _stop _throwing that in my face? Anyways, have you even _stopped _to consider what she wants?"

"Why wouldn't she want to go home?"

Rukia felt an odd sense of déjà vu come over her as stopped short of a corner. Ichigo's and Renji's voices were drifting towards her. Why were they always talking about _her_?

"It's just common sense Renji. Use your head."

"Use _your _head ya carrot-topped freak." Renji shot back. "Everyone in the living world thinks she's _dead _for God's sake. Who would want to go back and deal with that? Honestly, I'd want to stay."

"That's 'cause you're a coward. Rukia's not like that. She'll go back and face her demons."

He had so much confidence in her. Too much. Rukia couldn't deal with it. She turned and took off in the direction she had come from, not wanting Renji and Ichigo to find her spying.

_"That's 'cause you're a coward. Rukia's not like that."_

But wasn't she? She wasn't sure she could bring herself to go back to the living world, to face everyone, to explain where she had been, why she was still alive, why she hadn't come home and why she had caused everyone so much pain. She didn't want to have to deal with it. She couldn't tell Ichigo that though. She couldn't stay behind.

Not again.

And yet…she couldn't go home.

_I _am _like that, _she thought as she closed the door to her room and slid down against it, burying her face in her knees. _I'm just a coward._

* * *

"Been hiding in here all day, huh?"

Rukia looked up from the window she had been staring out. Despite the fact her eyes had been locked on the sky, she hadn't realized the sun was setting.

"So what's so interesting about the sky?" Ichigo asked, sitting next to Rukia on the floor. He was smiling. She couldn't bring herself to return it. "All right…you look like someone just ran over your cat. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She looked back out the window. Ichigo could tell she was lying, but disregarded it for the moment.

"So…if you're up for it, the idiots decided to open up the gate to the living world tomorrow. If you want to wait though…"

Rukia sighed. What could she say?

"Ichigo…about that…"

"What?"

"It's just that…I don't―"

"Don't you _want _to go home?"

His voice was cautious, but Rukia heard the hurt buried deep inside it.

"More than anything." She whispered, her voice cracking. "But how can I? How can I go back now? It's been so long…how can I go back?"

Ichigo watched her for a minute, then stepped forward and wrapped his large arms around her small body.

"You know you're wanted." He whispered into her ear. "Never think that you're not. You can go home whenever you want. We'll take it easy. One step at a time. And when you're ready…we can go home together."

Rukia shivered, despite the fact it was quite warm, and reached up, her hand gripping his robes.

"Together."

* * *

**Author's Note - **So...next chapter...epilogue...review please - Sam


	12. Epilogue A New Beginning

**Epilogue **― A New Beginning

―_**:―:―:―Seven Months Later―:―:―:―**_

"_Heeeey_." Souken leaned towards Kaien, who looked around in interest. "Who's that lady with Renji?"

Kaien suppressed a snicker as he choked out, "His _girlfriend_."

That did it. The two of them fell over, laughing their heads off at their private joke. They were only eight and nine years old, after all. Girlfriends were still a funny subject to them.

"What are you two laughing about?" Rukia had knelt down beside their heads, watching them with an amused smile.

"Renji." They said at the same time, throwing each other grins.

"Yeah, he's easy to laugh at, isn't it?"

"I heard that Rukia!" The crimson-haired man called across the yard, invoking more laughter Kaien and Souken. Rukia just shook her head, still smiling, as she stood up and walked over to where Renji and Rangiku were standing, talking to Ichigo and Orihime.

It was Kaien's birthday. Of course, Rukia hadn't been able to resist the attraction of giving him a party, something she hadn't been around to do for his other birthdays. So Ichigo had let her completely take over party planning, with some help from Orihime, of course. He had been surprised to find they didn't do half bad. At one point he had heard Orihime planning for a homemade cake, but apparently Rukia had vetoed the idea. Personally, he was glad. He'd made the mistake of letting Orihime make Kaien's _first _birthday cake, something he would _never _do again.

"So where are Emi and Tatsuki?" Rukia asked Orihime as she walked up next to Ichigo, who slinked an arm around her waist.

"They'll be here soon, I'm sure. Emi has a tendency to always be running late―"

A sudden scream issued across the yard, drawing the attention of all the adults. Emi had snuck up behind Kaien and tackled him when he wasn't looking. Now they were both on the ground, Kaien pinned under Emi. Tatsuki was standing above them, laughing.

"That kid's exactly like her mother!" Ichigo groaned as he watched Kaien struggle out form underneath his friend. They glared at each other for a minute and then he dove forward, going down with Emi as the two wrestled.

"And Kaien's exactly like his father." Renji said with a smirk as he watched the two nine-year-olds fight. Tatsuki was still laughing, laughing too hard to be bothered with intervening.

It had been just over a year since Ichigo and Rukia had returned from the Soul Society together. As predicted, Rukia's return had stirred up a hell of a lot of commotion. But they'd adjusted, like always.

Ichigo smiled now as he thought about this, and looked down at the ring that glittered on Rukia's right finger. She gave him a glance.

"Like what you see?"

"More than you'll ever know." He teased, leaning down and kissing her. Across the yard they heard Souken and Kaien pretending to gag. Ichigo smirked as he looked up. Rukia suddenly got a very bad feeling.

"Oh Ichigo, don't―"

"Don't worry, I won't hurt them." And with that he took off across the yard, attempting to catch the offending boys, who squealed in protest as they jumped and ran. Emi laughed as she egged the fight on.

"Get 'em Ichigo, get 'em!"

Renji, Rukia, Rangiku, and Orihime were all cracking up.

* * *

_"…Happy birthday dear Kaien, happy birthday to you."_

Kaien looked down at his cake, grinning. It was chocolate with strawberry frosting, his favorite. "Come on Kai, make a wish!" Emi insisted, trying to rush him along.

"Gimme a break Emi, I have to _think_―"

"Think later, make a wish now!"

"Leave him alone Emi." Souken scolded their impatient friend. Emi rolled her eyes. Kaien stared at his cake. What was he supposed to wish for? For as long as he could remember, his only wish was that his mother would come home. But as he looked up, his eyes scanning the crowd around him, locking onto the violet eyes that resembled his, he realized that wish _had _come true. So…what was left?

"_Kaaaaaieeeen_!" Emi groaned impatiently. Kaien glared at her, then realized what to wish for. He took a deep breath and blew out the candles on his cake. Everyone clapped, and Emi muttered, "_Finally_."

"Hope you get what you wished for." Orihime chirped as she started cutting pieces of the cake and handing them out. Kaien raised an eyebrow as she put down a plate in front of him, then took the plate, stood up, walked over to Emi, and promptly dropped it, cake first, on her head. Emi shrieked and stared at him in shock.

"Well, Aunt Orihime wanted me to get my wish."

Emi growled under her breath and grabbed the cake off her head, throwing it at Kaien, who ducked. It flew past him, right into Ichigo's shocked face. Ichigo blinked and sputtered while Rukia and Renji roared with laughter. Rangiku Orihime, Uryu, and Tatsuki (the only other adults present) all just stared.

"Oh so _that's _how it is." Ichigo grumbled as he grabbed a piece of cake. Rukia and Renji stopped laughing at once, and the former said, in a threatening voice,

"You _wouldn't_."

He threw the cake. Rukia ducked. Renji didn't; it nailed him in the face.

"Oh you're gonna _pay _for that…"

No one went home clean. As Rukia and Ichigo (both covered in cake) waved goodbye to their cake-covered guests, they looked around their yard. It looked like a cake factory had exploded.

"Oh well." Rukia sighed as she started back inside. "Have fun cleaning, Ichigo."

"W-W-W-_What_?! Me?!"

Kaien giggled as he started following his mom. "I don't think so!" Ichigo said at once, grabbing his son by the collar of his shirt and dragging him back. "You're helping."

"You'd make me do this on my _birthday_?" Kaien asked in disbelief, giving Ichigo his 'look.' The look he _knew _his father couldn't resist.

"Agh…no, I guess not. Go inside and get cleaned up." Kaien grinned and ran into the house, past Rukia who called after him,

"Clothes off and in the wash, don't just throw them on the floor!" Then she went over to Ichigo. "You're such a softy."

"Not my fault he looks like _you_." Ichigo grumbled as he started scooping bits of cake into the trash. Rukia sighed as she got on the ground and started helping as well.

"Well…it was anything if not exciting."

Ichigo snorted. "Exciting, right. I can't believe Kaien did that…though the look on Emi's face _was _priceless…"

Rukia laughed. "Yours was better. Wish I'd thought to grab the camera."

"I'm sure you do."

They cleaned up everything they could manage to. The rest, they decided, the rain could wash away.

Once they were inside, cleaned up, and in fresh clothes, they dropped onto the couch. Kaien was in his room, marveling at all the new stuff he'd gotten. They sat in silence for a few minutes, and finally Rukia said, "You know what today is, right?"

Ichigo nodded. He did. They'd had Kaien's birthday party _today_, but his actual birthday had been a little over a week ago. And today…well, today was the anniversary of the day Ichigo and Kaien came back from Soul Society nine years earlier. Alone.

Ichigo and Rukia lapsed back into silence. What was one _supposed _to say about something like this?

Ichigo reached over and rested his hand over Rukia's. She looked up, smiling, and laid down on the couch, resting her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, and they stayed there, enjoying each other's company, just like they always had.

"Hey, Mom, Dad, look what _this _toy can do!" Kaien bounded downstairs, destroying the tranquility. The two parents exchanged smiles as they sat up and listened to Kaien go on about his toy. It didn't matter that one moment had been broken. They had the rest of their lives ahead of them, millions of moments, thousands more that could be broken by their son. It didn't matter anymore. Rukia was home, they were together, they were a family.

Just like they were always meant to be.

* * *

_**The End**_

* * *

**Author's Note: **_/sigh/ _Well, that's the end. What do you guys think? I know it's not the best thing ever, but it's been a real trip, and I've loved every minute of it. It's been almost a year since I first posted my 'one-shot' _What Happened Last Night_. I never thought it would come to _this_. But I'm not complaining. You guys have all been amazing, and I love each and every one of you. You're encouraging words/death threats have been a real motivation to me, and I hope that you'll stick with me through the mini-hiatus I'm taking from writing so I can finish up school. Once summer starts I'll be back full-force, promise. Until then, adios! ― Sam


End file.
